


Shuddering

by SavvaSaam



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash has a PTSD but he denies it, Dealing With Trauma, Disability, Eiji is crippled after his sports injury, It's Ash who comes to Japan and not vice versa, M/M, Maybe some Shorter/Yut-Lung later, No Spoilers, Past Sexual Abuse, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-10-12 04:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17460572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SavvaSaam/pseuds/SavvaSaam
Summary: Ash arrives in Izumo to study Japanese for a year. While working part-time as a model he meets a cute Japanese boy who takes the best pictures of him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. Let's see if I can maintain a stable writing schedule and post a chapter every few weeks. I can't promise anything, but I'll try.  
> My mom is an amateur photographer so I base everything on her words. And my friend studies Japanese in Kyoto, so just trust me - I do my best to write realistically.  
> Thanks to Shush for beta-ing me))

Eiji gulped nervously as he prepared himself to enter the studio. It was his first time going to an actual photography class despite him wanting to do this since forever. But he had always been too nervous. Photography was that little hobby of his which he was a bit embarrassed of and kept it to himself. Eiji took photos all the time and posted them on Instagram under a made up pseudonym but when asked about this interest Eiji always said that it was nothing. He had only started embracing this field of artistic expression recently and felt like he had done far too little of a progress to show it to the world openly yet. So he wasn’t used to people around him knowing that he liked taking photos. He wouldn’t dare to call himself even an amateur photographer.

But when he saw a post on an Instagram page he followed about a photography class on the basics of portraits for mere 800 yen, Eiji decided firmly that it was then or never. If Eiji sucked at photography at a medium level he sucked at portraits entirely. First of all he was always too nervous to ask somebody to pose for him or God forbid stop a random person on the street to ask to take a picture. But sometimes he wanted to do this so much, it was unbearable to pass by such interesting looking individuals without taking a shot.

Secondly, Eiji didn’t know how to communicate with a model. He didn’t know how he would ask a person to sit this or that way, he felt like he wouldn’t be able to behave correctly and achieve what he wanted from the models without invading their privacy. What was more, he would feel awkward if he kept bothering a person about changing positions because Eiji couldn’t take a good shot. There was so much Eiji couldn’t get off his mind and it kept him from photographing people. God only knew how much he wanted to be able to do this. People were so beautiful.

Eiji wasn’t some weakling, he was a fighter! He was going to put his foot down and do what it took to achieve his goal!

“Excuse me, sweetie. You’ve been standing here for two minutes and muttering something. Are you going to enter or not?”

That made Eiji almost jump out of his skin. He turned around and looked down. There was a woman around the age of forty or something looking up at him. She didn’t look annoyed. To the contrary, she was rather amused, smirking at him.

“Oh my God, I'm sorry. I got anxious to enter here and kind of started talking to myself, hah,” he said, scratching the nape of his head.

“So you didn’t get lost? I kept thinking you just lost your way.”

“Why so?” Eiji looked at her in confusion.

“It’s not usual to see people of your type at our classes. But you are welcome anyway,” she smiled and gestured at the door.

“What is my type of people?” asked Eiji opening the door and letting the lady in.

“You’ll see,” she smiled and left him for the lady who was apparently their teacher for today.

Eiji shrugged and slowly walked towards one of the chairs. There were around 10 of them and Eiji exhaled in relief. The fact that many people were unlikely to arrive made him happier. He came here to learn and the more advice he got from the teacher and the freer he was to shoot the better it was for his skill.

Eiji carefully put his cane near his chair and after making sure that it wasn’t about to fall down and make lots of noise (not because it used to happen too often attracting unnecessary attention to Eiji’s injury and making him wish the ground swallowed him), he put his camera bag on his lap. He took the camera out and after turning it on and surfing through some features, put it back realizing that there was still 10 minutes left before the class and there was no need to hurry.

Instead Eiji decided to look around and check out the studio. It was rather spacious with clean white walls. The studio was huge and Eiji could see a lot of doors to separate rooms and at some point a man ran out of one of such rooms in a hurry and returned with a huge mirror a few minutes later.

Different light sources such as professional lamps and special reflectors were everywhere and Eiji felt jealous. He would often curse under his breath while taking photos because they would end up looking bad without a proper light source.

It was then when Eiji saw the model. That was definitely the model because what else could such a beautiful person do for a living. He was sitting not far from the teacher who was talking to the lady that had chatted with Eiji earlier. The guy was a foreigner and he was very tall. He had shining and long blond hair that was falling down on his shoulders. The loose white T-shirt was free on his torso but Eiji could see his massive arms and had a picture of the well-developed chest through the V-neck. The guy seemed to be around Eiji’s age. He was lazily browsing through his phone probably waiting for the class to start.

The guy’s skin was so fair it made Eiji gasp. It was almost white like snow. He couldn’t help but lift his arm and extend it forward to compare how much more yellow his skin was in comparison to that perfect, almost magical creature. The difference wasn’t actually that big because Eiji was light-skinned himself, but the model was certainly on some other level. His skin was almost sparkling.

Eiji was staring with his mouth open when he realized that the guy had lifted his eyes and was now looking right at him. He lifted his eyebrows, smiled and then winked before returning to his phone. How glad was Eiji that that contact was so short because his heart practically jumped out from his chest from that mere _wink_. Eiji felt so embarrassed for staring at the foreigner shamelessly like this, he felt his face heat up. Even his ears were probably red now.

While Eiji was busy panicking, the room had started to fill up. One woman entered the room, then another, until all the seats near Eiji were filled. It was then that he realized what the woman from before meant when she said that ‘people of his type’ were unusual for these classes. He and the model were the only men in the room. Everybody else was a woman: moreover, most of them were at their thirties or forties, although there still were two who seemed like they were the same age as Eiji. They were all chatting among themselves, showing each other their cameras and photos.

Eiji nervously looked around feeling awkward for missing out on the conversation, but he didn’t have the time to say ‘hi’ to somebody. The teacher clapped to attract their attention and started the class. She was a pleasant woman around the age of 35 with short black hair wearing a long orange skirt and a black tank top.

“Hello, hello. Thank you everybody for coming. My name is Yamagishi-san and I have been a photographer for three years now. Today we are going to learn about the basics of portrait photo shoots. And I’m sure you are dying to know who will help us today, I can see it!” Eiji once again glanced at the blonde guy who had now put his phone in his pocket and was looking around with a bit of a lost expression.

“This is Ashu-kun, he is an American student who has come here to study Japanese.” Hearing his name, the guy, Ashu, lifted his eyes and waved a hand at everybody. He smiled charmingly and Eiji could swear he heard some ladies near him sigh sweetly. He could perfectly understand them.

“My name is Ash and I am from New York City,” he said with a strong American accent and bowed. He was eyeing the audience that was going to take photos of him that day. Eiji found his accent really cute. He actually was quite cute himself. Such an unusual person for their small town. Eiji was excited at the perspective of taking photographs of the handsome American guy, who had somehow ended up at the same class as Eiji.

As Eiji was closely examining the guy, their eyes met again. He wasn’t as startled as before and smiled at the model while nodding slightly in a silent greeting. He had the feeling that (since they were the only guys in the room and around the same age) Ash had to be as friendly with him as Eiji was himself. Maybe they could exchange a few words during the class or after it. Eiji wouldn’t mind that at all. Ash nodded and slightly waved his hand in response. As they were studying each other, the teacher started speaking again.

“Thank you Ashu for helping us today. Now let’s get to work,” said Yamagishi-san and started her lesson.

 

Despite being in an unusual environment Eiji found himself easing up fairly quickly. Yamagishi-san was a good teacher and Eiji was so happy to hear answers to the questions which had previously stopped him from attempting at shooting portraits. Eiji was writing all her pieces of advice down, promising himself to try them out later with his sister or friends maybe. No, definitely not sister, she would make fun of him.

It was amusing how Yamagishi-san used Ash like a doll, turning the model here and there, ordering him to move from one place to another, sit down or turn his face. She didn’t even order him really, was just shoving the guy around or turning his face with her own hands. Eiji couldn’t help but chuckle at the expressions Ash was making. He didn’t act like an experienced model at all (Yamagishi-san said he was a student, not a model) and sometimes his green eyes were basically running from side to side in a quiet panic when the teacher was jabbering something to the students making one shot after another.

In this class all of them had an opportunity to take photos of Ash as well and implement the new knowledge they had acquired. Yamagishi-san looked at their photos and gave them all sorts of advice on what they had to fix and explained what mistakes they had made. It was truly helpful.

Eiji found out that he liked looking at his photos of Ash and smiled happily. It was nice to see actually good portraits coming out of his hands for once. Yamagishi-san complimented him on some shots and said he had an unusual artistic vision which made Eiji extremely motivated and inspired. Besides, Ash was really a beautiful person and he made even average photos pleasant to look at. This fact motivated Eiji to try even harder to shoot a good photo because he wanted to do justice to the exquisite features of the model. That was his job as a photographer in the end – trying to emphasize the unique beauty of every person in the pictures.

He went back to work, absorbing all the information Yamagishi-san and all the women who came to the class shared with him. Eiji was truly happy that he had finally decided to come. It was actually pleasant that even his small town had a photographers’ community which was hosting useful events and encouraging aspiring photographers like him.

The class was slowly coming to an end when Eiji noticed a small hustle. Yamagishi-san was looking at Ash with a displeased expression.

“Can you stop looking so perfect, like a Hollywood star? You are handsome, I got it, but I want to see other expressions, too!” she complained looking Ash straight in the eyes. The guy smiled nervously and answered “Yes?” looking around signaling for help. At this point it was obvious to Eiji that the American had a very limited knowledge of Japanese and he decided to come to Ash’s rescue.

“Yamagishi-san says she likes your Hollywood face but she would like you to change expressions too. The photos look too similar like that. I’ve noticed it, too,” he switched to English and came closer to the American, his green eyes immediately lit up.

“Oh my God, you speak English. I’m saved,” Ash exclaimed and then turned to Yamagishi-san nodding enthusiastically before putting on a sadder and calmer façade. Eiji couldn’t help but widely open his eyes in awe. The guy was even more handsome like this. He looked completely engulfed in his reverie, as if his thoughts had streamed far away. Eiji immediately lifted the camera and snapped a shot but when he looked at the picture it seemed to have lost all of the original charm that had fascinated Eiji before. Was it something about the angle, he wondered.

 

In no time the class was over. Everybody thanked Yamagishi-san and paid her the fee. While they were discussing the class, a few women gathered around Eiji.

“It’s so nice to have a boy here. It’s usually just us here,” one of them said smiling gently and patting Eiji’s head. “You look like such a sweet boy, just like my son.”

“Oh, thank you. I really liked it here too. It’s my first time coming to a photography event but I enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ll be sure to attend again.” He smiled as he thought that the ladies that scared him at first turned out to be friendly and talking to them wasn’t awkward at all. “The class was extremely helpful for me, all thanks to Yamagishi-san,” he replied and all the ladies nodded in agreement.

“I also wanted to compliment your English. It sounded impressive,” another lady said making Eiji blush slightly.

“Thank you. I was keen on English at school and I learnt it pretty well. Now I work as a personal tutor for school kids who prepare for university entrance exams or just have trouble in their classes.” He never intended to have it as his occupation but it seemed to had happened on its own because he had so much free time lately. “I have always liked English and I like kids, too, so it’s quite an enjoyable job for me,” he said and when he raised his eyes he saw that now even more women had gathered around him.

Right. He had come to a mom-only event, hadn’t he?

 

After leaving his contact number to half a dozen ladies, Eiji grabbed his stuff, said ‘Goodbye’ and left the building. He felt tired but inspired. Then again a bit disappointed because the model had disappeared right when Eiji wanted to exchange contacts with him. He thought that (an excuse of) taking his email to send him the polished photos later would be good enough to make a small conversation and also get the number of the interesting guy. Eiji didn’t know why but he liked the appearance of that model so much, he didn’t want to lose him that easily. But before he was able to do something, Ash had vanished. Eiji grumbled in exasperation but there was little he could do now, so he sighed and left the building. Maybe he could run into that guy again later? The town was small after all.

Just as Eiji stepped through the door he heard a voice right next to him.

“It was too crowded there. I grabbed my pay and left,” Eiji turned around to see the model standing near the exit. He had thrown a green shirt over his t-shirt and put on a cap. He looked more normal now. Just standing in front of him without any persona he had put on for photos before.

“I see. You were waiting for me?” he asked.

“No. Why? Just standing.” Ash shook his head and then peered at Eiji intensely. Eiji felt goosebumps running down his spine under his sharp gaze. Ash’s eyes lingered on his cane for a mere moment, but Eiji still noticed the attention. But it wasn’t the usual startled or sympathetic expression he noticed in people when they first met him. Eiji couldn’t crack the meaning behind his expression but for some reason that he didn’t even know, he liked it. After a long silence of awkward examination of one another Ash added, “What’s your name?”

“Okumura Eiji.”

“Aslan Callenreese. But I go by Ash. People associate Aslan with that lion from The Chronicles of Narnia too strongly, it’s annoying.” He huffed and rolled his eyes.

“And you don’t like how the Japanese cannot pronounce your name correctly and call you Ashu, right?” he smirked remembering how Ash had cut into Yamagishi-san’s speech to say that his name indeed was Ash and not Ashu. That was adorable, in his opinion.

“Yes! It’s so weird, I can’t get used to it.”

“You will have to. A Japanese person simply cannot pronounce Ash without adding some vowel in the end,” Ash scoffed and kicked some stone he saw on the ground. “Besides, I think it sounds rather cute.”

“Pffh, whatever.” Ash, who was previously leaning against the wall moved away and once again looked Eiji in the eyes. Eiji quietly admired the deep green colour. “Do you wanna go eat something?”

“Huh, I thought you weren’t waiting for me,” Eiji replied in an amused tone.

“Ugh, just let me enjoy talking for once? I haven’t had a normal conversation in two weeks. I’ll treat you,” Eiji noticed how the guy’s ears got a bit red.

“Ah, no need to. I understand. I was just kidding,” Eiji shrugged his shoulders. “Let’s go, I know a good cheap place near here.”

Eiji was glad the model hadn’t left as he had originally feared. Ash really did seem interesting. And seemingly willing to make friends too. That was nice. Maybe they could get to know each other. That would be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

Ash quietly followed him as Eiji led them to a nearby café he knew. Their silent walk was immensely awkward, and Eiji felt like he needed to start a conversation, but every time he turned around and looked at Ash his throat dried up. Ash had a cold expression, and when Eiji tried to say something, he immediately stopped, because he wasn’t sure how Ash would respond to it. And Ash himself didn’t help either, just walking there silently. Eiji wondered if that was because the guy was tired after modelling or he was generally this quiet. 

After walking for a few minutes, Eiji saw the place he was looking for. It was a small family owned diner where Eiji had been once or twice when he had been in that part of the town before.

"Here it is," Eiji finally said waving his hand at the café. “I hope you don’t mind the Japanese food.”

"No, it's fine, thank you." Ash nodded and entered after Eiji.

The waitress greeted them and led to one of the many empty tables near the window. It was rather free at this time of the day, or maybe it was just an unpopular place. But Eiji remembered that the food was tasty from last time, so it was fine.

Eiji put the cane behind his back on the sofa and sat down. Ash chose a place opposite of him and started peering into one of the menus the waitress had brought them. Eiji took his own menu too but still went on glancing at Ash. He quickly decided what he would order so he could just peer at the guy sitting in front of him. Ash glanced at him once with furrowed eyebrows and then continued reading the menu. He kept his phone open, checking the translation of items in his phone dictionary and googling the images of the food as far as Eiji could see from his spot. At first, he wanted to help Ash but just kept silent, watching how the guy stubbornly went through the menu himself. If he needed help, he would ask himself. Eiji smiled slightly watching how the foreigner huffed but quickly turned away when Ash threw another angry glance at him.

After a few minutes, when Eiji ordered his udon and Ash ordered soba soup and chicken with rice, they were left one in front of the other without the shields of menus. Ash’s eyes were now piercing Eiji, and he felt uneasy. Every time he lifted his own eyes he was met with these sharp green eyes that were running up and down over his body as if the foreigner was able to read his entire biography just by looking at him. Was it the usual way of behaviour in the USA? Eiji didn’t know where to look.

"Cute," he heard Ash say in a quiet but amused tone.

"Excuse me?"

"It's adorable to see you freaking out, I think I can see gears spinning in your brain,” he scoffed and lay down on the table putting a fist under his chin.

"Huh, I see. Nice of you to make fun of me as if I didn’t see you also feeling worried and nervous in an unfamiliar environment a mere hour ago. It was a fun sight, too, I should say.” So Ash was just playing with him this whole time? There was no need for Eiji to be gentle with him then.

Ash chuckled again and once again peered into Eiji’s eyes, but he didn’t feel like looking away now. The American was so handsome. Eiji wondered if any of his photos he had taken during the class managed to capture his beauty.

"How about we play '10 questions' while we are waiting for our orders? We could pass the time and get to know a bit about each other,” Ash suggested.

"I've never heard about such a game, but I guess it's just us asking each other questions by turns, is it?" he asked, and Ash nodded. "It isn't much of a game, I must say."

"Yeah, but it makes the process of making friends with a new person easier, so I'll start.” He stretched out his hands and bent his thumb. “How old are you?”

"I'm 20. What about you?"

"18. You don't look your age, I thought you were younger than me." He smirked, and Eiji rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. The next question is yours?”

"Yeah. Let me think… What do you do in your life right now, generally speaking?” So far Ash hadn’t asked him any provocative questions and stayed within the lanes. Eiji hoped that it would stay like this, but if it wouldn’t be the case (which was possible based on the guy’s previous behaviour) he was prepared to make Ash uncomfortable too.

"Well, I don't exactly work at any company, but my job is privately teaching school children the English language. So they just come over to my place individually, and I help them study, prepare for exams and stuff. I don't have too many students, but since each one of them pays for a whole hour of my time, I end up making quite enough cash. In my free time, I take photos, but it's just a hobby. Not very interesting story I guess," Eiji chuckled and smiled slightly. He kind of liked his life. After his injury, he was afraid that he wouldn't find a place in society but somehow everything just fit into place eventually. He liked his life now.

"It doesn't matter if the story is interesting or not if it makes you happy. One's life can sound all unusual and perfect for a book plot, but the person may be the unhappiest on Earth." Eiji froze noticing the cold and distant expression that fell on Ash’s face. “Anyway, it doesn’t sound bad. Also having money is amazing, can’t relate. Your turn now.”

"Hmm," Eiji made a mental note about the guy’s previous expression but put it away for now. “What are you doing here in Japan?”

"Well, I arrived a month ago to study Japanese since the very beginning at Shimane University here. Studying consumes a lot of my time because I try to learn everything thoroughly. I'm intelligent myself, but languages aren't my strongest point.” Eiji smiled hearing the slight bragging of the American. “I have a year of studying prepaid here, but I don’t know yet if I will stay for another year.”

"Huh, I see. Well, I guess Japanese is complicated for people whose first language is so different from it. You are cool for being so serious about it."

"Thank you. I like Japanese and the country itself. My turn now.” Ash fell silent thinking about another thing he would like to learn about his new acquaintance. “Tell me something about your friends.”

"I don't think it is a question," Eiji responded with a small grin on his face.

"Pffh, then I’ll just formulate it in another way, you are ridiculous. What is the person you consider your friend like?”

"I don't exactly have close friends. When I was at school, I was on good terms with some people, but after we graduated, we stopped talking in no time. There were some guys from my sports team, but we also gradually moved away from each other when I quit sports. I am more close with my sister I guess. She is a teenager, and we don't have a big age difference, so we've always talked a lot to each other. Her name is Mika by the way. She is very active and hot-tempered, but she has a gentle heart. In the last years, she has become extremely protective over me despite me being older.” Eiji knew that most people didn’t exactly spend this much time with their own siblings or took them as their friends, but he was happy that he and Mika were an exception. “I also have another friend actually, his name is Yut-Lung, we met through social media. He saw my photos and noticed that they were taken in Izumo, so he decided to send me a message with some question, but for some reason, we went on talking about different stuff, met in real life a few days later and now we are friends. Yut-Lung is an interesting guy. He looks like he is a vain, narcissistic bastard but deep inside he means no harm. I think I should stop now or I will go on for ages," Eiji chuckled and threw a glance at the waitress who appeared to bring them their drinks. “Thank you.”

"No, it's fine. You know how they say: a man is known by the company he keeps," Ash said pouring hot green tea into his small cup.

"Is it an idiom in English?" Eiji asked. He had never before heard it.

"Yeah, but it's not very wide-spread. I think it’s very true. You can really tell a lot about a person based on people who they keep around.”

"I'll try to remember this saying then, thank you," Eiji nodded enthusiastically and noticed how Ash’s eyes warmed up. The rich green seemed to become brighter and more vibrant. Eiji thought about taking a photo immediately, but he realised it wouldn't be appropriate. They had a nice conversation going. "Okay, what should I ask you then? Hmmm… what do you value in people?"

Ash's eyes widened in surprise, but then he squinted and scratched his nape, trying to think of an answer. The question probably didn't occur to him previously.

 “The first thing that came to my mind would be honesty probably, but I have met a lot of people who were merely honest about being awful. They didn't hide the fact that they didn't care about other people's feelings. I mean, thank you for not being deceiving, but it isn't enough to be considered a good person. I think I only respect people who are honest but who also value other human beings. I have seen enough trash in my life to know that it is what truly matters,” Ash drank his tea and hummed in approval.

Eiji wondered what was the ‘trash’ Ash had seen. Was life in America really so scary? He actually knew next to nothing about it. Ash bit his lip and Eiji, worried that it was his fault that he had distressed him, decided to distract him.

"It's your turn now!" he said enthusiastically and in surprise noticed that Ash seemed a bit embarrassed. "What's it?"

"You can answer not if you don't want to. You mentioned some sport before. What were you doing?" Ash asked, looking away. 

"Oh, it's not a touchy subject for me, don't worry. But thank you for being considerate." For some time his ruined sports career was difficult for Eiji to talk about or remember, but now he was fine with it somehow. “I trained in pole vaulting for five years in total. I was quite successful and even expected it to be my profession until I broke my ankle,” Eiji shrugged and continued. “It was rather fun, but I was never passionate about it anyway. I guess if pole vaulting was my dream and I actually wanted to succeed in it, I would be more upset to give it up, but it wasn’t my case. But I enjoyed the time I spent doing it.”

Eiji didn’t know what Ash expected to hear, but the guy seemed startled, and an awkward silence fell between them.

"Does it sound weird?" Eiji asked blushing awkwardly. Did it make him seem pathetic that he gave up so quickly?

"No, of course not, it's just that… You seem genuinely chill about it. Like you really were able to go through it and move on. And as if it didn't hurt you," Ash said confusion filling his voice.

"Of course it hurt me but I'm fine now. I was depressed for some time, both because I didn't know what to do with my life without sport and because I permanently damaged my leg, but… I moved on. My family supported me, I was also thinking a lot about what I could do besides pole vaulting. Because I no longer had to train every day for a few hours I was able to catch up on other hobbies of mine, I read a lot, started learning English again, started taking photographs. A lot of stuff. And I realised that every coin has two sides. A bad thing always brings something good with it and vice versa. Who knows if I would be happy if I just went on jumping on and on, I didn't even like it this much," Eiji shrugged and smiled charmingly at Ash.

"Is it some sort of Shinto moral?” this question made Eiji scoff. Was it? American and protestant mentality was probably very different from his own culture.

"I haven't thought about it, but you are probably right. What would you as an American do in that situation?”

"In what situation?" Ash asked with an amused tone.

"Well, if something horrible happened and devastated you. If the core of your existence was suddenly ruined and taken away?" As soon as he said it, it occurred to Eiji that he probably sounded very creepy and he backed away. “I mean, just theoretically.”

"Something terrible…" Ash let out a weak chuckle. "Like if my theoretical elder brother, who was the only person who ever cared about me, was put into a vegetative state by illness and was later killed because I couldn't protect him?" Ash put a hand over his mouth and rubbed his chin. “Then I’d probably run away to another country to ‘study the language’ to try to distract myself from my misery,” Ash smiled putting the same Hollywood smile on his face Eiji saw before at the photography class. “Theoretically”.

Eiji gulped and looked at the American in shock. He didn't make this up right here, of course, he didn't. It actually happened to Ash. It was such a sudden burst of information from his side, Eiji didn’t know what to say.

Ash suddenly jerked as if waking up from a dream that took over him for a moment. He gulped nervously and moved away, his body fidgeting into a more protective position on instinct. Scratching his arm with his nails, Ash turned his head away.

"Oh, I think it's our food," he said awkwardly, waving at the direction of the waitress coming to them with a tray. “Great, I was starting to get hungry.”

"Yeah… Me too," Eiji replied quietly staring at the bowl in front of him. Why did he have to ask such a rude question when he had previously noticed that Ash had some sort of dark past. It was such a crude thing to say. Now Eiji didn't know what to do and how to react. Also, Ash totally made him worry a bit. Was this guy okay?

"I completely lost count of our questions, by the way," Ash said, regaining his calm and friendly tone. “Whose turn was it?”

"Uhh, yours, I guess,” Eiji replied half-heartedly. He didn’t really feel like asking any more questions after such a failure.

"Are you seeing someone? Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?” Eiji almost jumped up, a piece of chicken falling back into his soup ash his fingers betrayed him, and the chopsticks snapped between them. 

"I- I have never dated anybody, and I am not dating anyone now," he stuttered, his face heating up. Why did they have to jump from subject to subject so abruptly? Also what was about that wording? A girlfriend or a boyfriend? Was it because Ash was from the USA and it was a more LGBT-friendly country? Or did Eiji look gay? Was Ash gay himself and he that’s why he wouldn’t just ask Eiji if he had a girlfriend? So many questions, so few answers…

"Oh really? But I guess I can see it, heh,” Ash snickered.

"Come on. I'm sure you don't have much to boast about, too."

"Is it hard to believe that I am very popular? I thought you remarked I am very handsome," Ash teased him, and Eiji felt an extreme need to hide away, subjected to these sharp green eyes.

"Being popular and maintaining a relationship isn't the same thing. I can imagine a lot of people liking you, but it doesn't guarantee that any of them would be suitable for a long-lasting relationship with you,” Eiji shrugged. He didn’t really see any point in dating just for the purpose of protecting yourself from being labelled a loner and a virgin. If he started dating somebody, he had to genuinely like this person. He hadn't happened to like anyone so far, that's why he didn't go out with anyone, _boys or girls_. Nothing was appealing in a soulless affair for Eiji.

"It's a very clever point of view, really. You saved yourself a lot of hustle. All these affairs teenager start just because they want to go out with somebody, they later end up regretting ever getting involved in them,” Ash put away his now empty bowl from soba and started eating the rice.

"You didn't exactly answer whether you have dated anyone yourself," Eiji retorted.

"You didn't ask."

"Well, I'm asking now."

"You ran out of questions, I won't answer," Ash grinned and threw a kiss at him.

"I thought you lost count,” Eiji squinted at him.

"I found it."

"I'm pretty sure it is a stylistically incorrect thing to say.”

"My language – my rules."

What was this guy even, Eiji wondered. In a matter of minutes, he showed so many sides, it left Eiji amazed and scared at the same time. What he was sure of, was the fact that Ash was definitely much more than his looks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it wasn't boring?? I wanted to explain the setting a bit. Say what you think in the comments.  
> Also follow me on twitter and leave some questions on curiouscat  
> I throw some spoilers on twitter occasionally so be welcome and talk to me.  
> Also im setting out on a trip tomorrow so I wont be able to start writing for another week but I hope I will be able to bring the next chapter in two weeks. Stay tuned))


	3. Chapter 3

Ash threw his bag on the floor and then fell on his bed like a dead motionless weight. He always felt like that after classes even if he enjoyed them. The studies required a lot of his energy and concentration, as Ash took everything seriously. Although he didn’t even have a full day at college, just going there for four hours was exhausting like hell. He didn’t even have to wake up early, his studies were in the second half of the day. But he often found himself lying wide awake in bed staring at the ceiling when he had to already be on his way to college. On those days forcing himself to get up and go felt like nearly impossible. But Ash compelled himself every time because he didn’t really have an excuse not to go. He didn’t know why he felt like shit, he really couldn’t say. If it was something important, he would be able to name the reason for his concerns. But he couldn’t, hence the reason seemed insignificant to him. And Ash wouldn’t skip the classes Max had so much trouble organizing for him for a reason of simple laziness or indisposition.

And after spending so much willpower and energy to go to class, he had to work there for hours, listening attentively and studying Japanese. When Ash returned home at the dark of the night he rarely could even make himself some dinner. He would lie in bed lazily scrolling through his phone, watching weird things on YouTube, and then proceed to do his homework in the same place which was probably bad for his eyes and spine but better for _future Ash_ who could barely do any tasks requiring intellectual work in the morning before classes. Somewhere around 2 am he usually took a shower and slumbered back to bed. That was his usual routine.

Ash knew that it probably wasn’t the best way to live his life, but it could be worse, right? He still went to classes, never really skipped, talked to his neighbor Shorter and went out now and then. He was fine.

 

As Ash was musing he suddenly heard a notification pop up on his phone. Quickly taking the phone out of his coat pocket he saw that it was a message from Eiji.

_[Good evening, Ash. I hope it’s not too late (；´_ _∀_ _｀) ]_

Ash looked at the time in the top right corner of his phone. 10:32. It was definitely not too late for him.

**[No, it’s fine. I won’t go to bed for a while so don’t hesitate to text me anytime]**

He sent the message and then added,

**[I mean, not anytime. Better not send me anything before 1 pm. I barely function in the morning and I will likely open your message and forget about it for hours]**

_[1 pm isn’t really morning（＾。＾；）]_

Ash didn’t really pay it any attention the first time, but was Eiji going to go on using emoticons in all his messages? That was highkey cute but also highkey awkward. But more cute than awkward.

**[it is morning for me]**

_[How do even get up to go to college then?]_

**[I go to evening school]**

_[Oh, that’s convenient (´ω｀*) so you don’t have to torture yourself]_

_[By the way it seems like we are free and busy around the same time. Since I teach school kids they are busy in the morning and my work starts around 3 pm usually]_

**[yeah, this seems like it]**

_[We could meet some other day. I would like to talk to you in person again（＾ｖ＾）]_

Ash looked at the screen in surprise. That was… quick. Had Eiji just openly told him that he wanted to spend more time with him? They had only met one time in real life and even considering the fact that Ash had been almost instantly drown to the Japanese guy he was surprised to see this interest as mutual. It was a pleasant surprise but surprise nonetheless. Ash liked Eiji’s company, for some reason he felt at ease talking to the photographer, but it seemed weird to him that Eiji seemed to feel the same. He couldn’t complain though. The person he was interested in was openly telling him that he would love to see him again as soon as possible. And probably more than one time. Ash probably just had to stop overreacting and accept this fact.

**[sounds like a good idea. text me when you’re free.]**

_[I’ll be sure to (｡･ω･｡) ]_

_[Anyway. I texted because I finished editing the photos from the class.]_

**[are you satisfied with them?]**

_[An artist can never be fully satisfied with his creation!]_

**[but you are definitely satisfied to some degree, aren’t you?]**

_[Oh yeah I am. There were quite a few good ones. I'm so happy to finally have good portrait photos]_

**[I'm happy to hear that]**

_[Do you want to see them?]_

**[yeah sure why not]**

Eiji fell silent for a few minutes, probably uploading the pictures. Waiting for the next message Ash slowly scrolled back to the beginning of their night chat, rereading bits of their conversation. Eiji’s cute emojies and words displaying bright emotions. He really did seem to enjoy photography and was excited to share his results with Ash. He probably was so proud when he finished looking through the raw material, choosing the good shots and editing them that he immediately texted Ash trying to share his happiness with another person. Eiji was such an open-hearted guy, he looked like a child to Ash. Not an annoying and loud type of child, but some cute elementary schooler showing you their A’s they got in maths. It was a funny comparison considering the fact that the Japanese was actually older than him. Ash was sure that he would pout if he shared this idea with him.

The pictures suddenly started appearing on the screen, popping up one after the other. Ash opened the first one and calmly observed the image.

There was Ash himself, sitting on the chair with his back hunched as he was tying his red shoes’ laces. His face was indifferent and calm, for a second dropping the persona he decided to maintain during the class. His fingers looked pretty, lacing through the threads, doing the same routing movement. His t-shirts sleeves slid up revealing his muscles which definitely required more work but still looked somewhat nice. Ash noticed how at the background there was a conveniently positioned moving figure which worked as a nice contrast to the frozen American.

 

_[Do you like them? (ﾟ_ _∀_ _ﾟ人) ]_

**[I'm still looking]**

_[But do you like them so far?!]_

**[yes-yes, I do. give me a few minutes]**

_[Alright!]_

 

Ash scrolled down to the next photo. This one was rather close, not even capturing the lower half of Ash’s body. He could even remember the exact moment that picture was taken. Eiji had approached him for the first time then. Ash was sitting and he lifted his eyes at the suddenly emerging figure. The moment he looked up he heard a snap as the photographer whose name he hadn’t known yet took a photo of him. Ash didn’t look at the camera but rather at the face of the guy that had previously stared at him with those large Bambi eyes. In close proximity they looked even better - the long lashes, the innocent and open gaze, the rich brown colour that previously appeared black to him. Ash often noticed people staring him, but for some reason with that Japanese boy he didn’t really mind. He looked like his feeling of surprise and curiosity was innocent and genuine. He didn’t see Ash as a ‘white monkey in the zoo’, he was merely interested. And the photo captured it all. It showed that instant when Ash tried to read the guy’s mind through his eyes. It made the viewer suddenly remember that on the other side of the camera there was another person. The one whose hands produced the piece of art audience was admiring.

After scrolling through the other photos Ash could tell that the second one was definitely his favourite.

 

**[I finished]**

_[…and how was it?]_

**[I liked your photos a lot. really]**

**[they have a particular vibe that distinguishes your pictures from other photograpers’]**

**[I think you got a great result, these are some great pics]**

_[I'm really going to cry right now (Ｔ_ _▽_ _Ｔ) ]_

_[What have you done?]_

_[Are you for real? You are not lying, are you?]_

**[trust me, if these photos were bad I would tell you]**

**[I'm not the flattering type]**

It was true, Ash rarely contained the rush or brutal words that appeared in his brain. If there was a place to voice his opinion, he did this openly and without a tinge of a lie. He didn’t do this to make fun of people, but some part of him enjoyed mocking people around him just a little bit. But Ash felt like he wouldn’t really go for it with Eiji. Ash didn’t want to make fun of the photographer. And in this situation there certainly was no reason to.

_[I am happy with how the photos turned out, too! But having a confirmation that they are actually good from another person is something else!]_

**[maybe you should also ask some professional’s opinion? I am not this educated in arts]**

_[That’s true but I don’t really know anybody who could help with that ●_ _﹏_ _●]_

**[uhh I see. I'm not sure how I could help with that but I hope you will figure it out]**

**[these photos are definitely not bad anyway]**

_[Thank you! I'm happy!]_

_[I couldn’t have done it without you!]_

**[oh come on. I was paid for it]**

_[I'm sure my photos wouldn’t look so good if I didn’t have such a handsome model (´_ _∀_ _｀•) ]_

**[well I cant argue with that]**

Ash tried to imagine what Eiji’s face looked like when he received this message. Did he once again produce this beautiful and endearing chuckle? Ash started looking  forward to the next time they could meet to refresh his memories.

_[ahahahah]_

_[You don’t have self-esteem issues it seems]_

Did he?

**[I wouldn’t be approached on the street if I was average looking]**

_[So that’s how you ended up at that class? So I was right after all that you were inexperienced after all?]_

**[yeah]**

_[Did you like modeling?]_

Recollections quickly flooded his mind. He couldn’t say it was too bad but he felt uncomfortable and had no desire to repeat that experience. So many gazes pinning him to the floor, looking at him but not seeing _him_.  People touching him and shoving him around telling him to do this or that. He knew that these women had no wicked intentions and this fact helped Ash keep himself together but that still was… bad. Ash really shouldn’t have showed up at this class being aware of his _issues_ , so it was all his fault. He wondered if he could say this to Eiji without sounding pathetic, rumbling to the guy he barely knew about his stupid insecurities. He decided that he could share a little. Not because he wanted Eiji’s pity, but merely because he wanted to avoid being invited to such events again. And even if he quickly grew to somewhat trust Eiji, he didn’t want to be photographed by him any time in the near future for sure. It was… unpleasant.

**[not really. I don’t like being touched by people I don’t know and that lady kept touching me]**

**[also it feels unpleasant to be looked at like an object]**

**[or an exhibit in museum]**

**[it is weird…]**

**[I wont probably repeat this experience]**

_[oh]_

_[I’m sorry to hear that]_

**[its no big deal]**

Fuck, he was whining even he didn’t intend to.

_[If these are your feelings they are one big deal]_

_[You shouldn’t ignore your emotions]_

_[We all like and dislike certain things, it is fine]_

_[And what you have said seemed serious enough to me]_

_[It’s not like you said you didn’t like the smell of fish]_

**[I like fish]**

Ash noticed his fingers slightly shaking for some reason and instinctively jumped at the opportunity to change the subject.

_[Thanks God. We wouldn’t be able to be friends if you didn’t like fish]_

**[we are friends?]**

_[Why not?]_

_[You are nice to talk to]_

_[And I was under the impression that you enjoyed talking to me as well]_

_[So why not call it a friendship]_

Ash froze, staring at the screen. He had friends before. He had Shorter, Max, uhh Jessica? He had pals in college. Being called a friend by Eiji didn’t have to be surprising but then why did he feel his heartbeat speeding up in his ears and his palms sweating. His fingers trembling, he tried to give an indifferent-looking response and once again to change the subject before his heart had an opportunity to jump out of his chest.

**[kay]**

**[friends then]**

**[does my friend want to check my Japanese essay I have to hand in tomorrow for grammar mistakes?]**

_[I already regret my life choices]_

_[And here the exploitation begins]_

**[sorry, you have already signed up for a five years friendship contract]**

**[you will have to pay a big fee if you break it now]**

_[Oh no!]_

_[Guess I have no choice now]_

**[hehe]**

_[Okay, send it on]_

Ash snickered and rolled over to the edge of his bed where his laptop was lying on the floor. The thing was old, heavy and took way too much to load but it was all he got. Ash didn’t really _need_ anybody to check his essay really, he got pretty good marks at college, but it wouldn’t hurt, right? Besides, it was a good enough way to change the topic of their discussion. Despite Eiji’s words about respecting his emotions and feelings building warmth in Ash’s chest, it was too much. It was stepping foot on a dangerous territory. Ash just… didn’t want to talk about his feelings in general. His life was absolutely fine at this point; he had nothing to complain about compared to his teenage years. So what was the point of whining like girls in cheap young adult novels if he could merely go on with his life dealing with things that were important at that exact moment. Ash was okay, he had studies to complete, he had free time to explore the country. He didn’t want to lament pointlessly about his life.

**[file attached]**

**[here it is]**

**[its not very big so I hope I dont actually bother you]**

_[Don’t worry, it’s fine]_

**[tbh I don’t need it until wednesday so you can spare the hurry]**

_[Okay, I’ll look at it later then]_

_[I’ll go to sleep soon, it’s been a long day]_

He regretted letting Eiji go but it was already quite late as they’ve been talking longer than he thought. He could always start another conversation the next day.

**[goodnight then]**

**[thanks for your help]**

**[and your photos are pretty good, ill probably change my icon to one of them]**

_[Oh, that’s cute. Thank you]_

_[Before you go…]_

_[Want to meet anytime this week maybe?]_

Oh yeah! Ash felt ashamed of how happy he was but fuck it.

**[yeah]**

**[I don’t mind]**

**[I enjoy you know]**

**[speaking]**

**[finally]**

_[Ahahah, okay]_

_[Thursday morning is fine with you?]_

**[if it isn’t earlier than 11 am than I can try to tolerate this idea]**

_[Okay ＠＾_ _▽_ _＾＠]_

_[Goodnight, Ash!]_

**[goodnight, eiji]**

Ash dropped his phone on the soft blanket and covered his face with his hands. It was warm, Ash was agitated. Suddenly he realized that it was the first time in a while when he didn’t feel tired and drained, his mind wide awake, his emotions bright and happy rather than dull and slow. Ash opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling; it didn’t look as bad usually. He rose to his feet and strode to the kitchen. His stomach was rumbling and he wanted to cook something. Perhaps Shorter would like to come over and share a late dinner with him. Ash didn’t feel like being alone for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shamelessly stole the idea of Eiji using emoticons from [this fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17391419/chapters/40932707) by Legitaprincess and you should all check it out, it's cool!  
> I hope you liked this chapter! A comment equals to kissing the author on the forehead)  
> Like always thanks to Shush for beta-reading me and follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/savvasaam) you bastards


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry the chapter is late! But it is quite big and I hope you enjoy it!  
> tw for suicide attempt mention

That annoying buzz, filling Ash’s ears, didn’t want to disappear no matter how much he tried to flee. He ran away, he covered his ears, he jumped into the cold water of the river, but it still was somewhere close, even if it was dull and barely audible. It was still there. Surrendering to the enemy that seemed to have encircled him, Ash woke up.

Right... it was just an alarm. It probably had no other choice but to penetrate his dreams, seeing how much Ash ignored its persistent buzzing in reality.

But Ash couldn’t make himself open his eyes, as if they were glued together. Blindly, he started searching for the source of the sound. After a few minutes his fingers finally circled around the shuddering metal of the phone which he immediately brought closer to his face. It made the buzzing noise even more annoying and Ash’s tired brain came to the conclusion that sound does in fact become louder as its source gets closer to you.

Ash tightly squeezed his eyes, trying to get tears to appear between his sealed lids. He could never open his eyes if they didn’t water. Even if he did manage, his eyeballs burnt like hell and he had to produce some tears as well to put out that fire. As Ash was finally able to blink up a few tears, blurry symbols on the screen of his phone started to appear in front of his eyes. After a long struggle Ash could finally tell apart the bright colours and see the word ‘Turn Off’.

He pressed on that symbol but the ringing was still there. Instead of the word the screen was now showing a math problem. _72/18=?_ Oh fuck, right. That fucking app he downloaded a few days ago being fully aware that he was prone to simply turning off the alarm and going back to bed. His sleepy brain hardly worked, but the ringing pressured Ash into counting. _Ehhh, 4?_ The screen lit up with a bright green tick, but the ringing didn’t stop. Four more questions?! Ash was beginning to get mad. He would solve these freaking questions and go back to sleep and nothing could stop him.

256/32=?

Easy, 8.

672/3=?

He pressed in 224 without a second thought.

22*16=?

This app thought he was dumb or what? 352.

933-444=?

489\. The buzzing and the noise finally died out.

Ash let out a proud sound and stretched out. He didn’t really want to fall back asleep after making his brain work right in the morning actually. The app seemed to work after all. Ash unlocked the phone screen once again and started looking through his notifications and his forehead immediately creased.

Three missed calls from Eiji.

11:20 [Hey, I came a bit early. I’ll wait near the entrance]

11:35 [Where are you, Ash?]

11:45 [You know you should warn people if you are running late]

11:46 [Have you even got up?]

11:46 [I’m mad and I'm going to buy myself a coffee]

_Oh fuck…_

_Oh fuuuuck…_

Ash looked at the time. It was 11:51. His alarm was set for 11:00. How the fuck did he manage to ignore a constantly ringing alarm for fifty minutes..? How was it even possible? He wouldn’t be able to turn it off without solving those math problems and it was unlikely that he could have solved them unconsciously and fall back asleep. So did he just sleep through the whole thing?

Ash squeezed the phone with trembling fingers and quickly found Eiji’s number in his contact. The mechanical beeping sound near his ear didn’t seem as loud as Ash’s own violently beating heart.

There was a louder beep indicating that the receiver had accepted the call.

“Ca-“ Eiji started saying something but Ash, too overwhelmed by the words of apologies in his head, burst into a babble interrupting the guy.

“Oh my God, Eiji I'm so sorry, I’ve made you wait for what? Half an hour? Jesus,” Ash groaned and his hand balling into a fist, nails digging into the flesh of the palm.

“Well, I have arrived early, so let us put it as just twenty minutes of your being late to make the situation sound less bad for you,” Eiji replied sounding less exasperated than Ash expected. Still kind of annoyed but not angry.

“Where are you? At the café? I can be there in 15 minutes. If you still want to wait for me, I mean…” Ash was already on his feet, searching for some socks. His accelerated heartbeat didn’t want to calm down.

“Yeah, I can wait. It was quite a way from my home so I wouldn’t want to just return having done nothing,” Eiji said, apparently sipping his coffee. “And I have a book on me, so it’s not too much of a bother to way for you.”

“Okay, I'm already on my way. Again, I'm very sorry,” Ash was already tying his laces and threw a short glance at himself in the mirror. Terrible. The comb to fix his hair was nowhere to be seen so he ran his fingers through the blond locks in hopes that it made him look at least decent.

“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine, but what can you do about it now anyway? I’ll think of how you can make amends to me while you run here.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in no time.” Ash hung up and stormed out of the flat. He didn’t take a lift and quickly ran down the stairs, not a trace of sleep in his eyes now. The morning rush was over so the street near his block of flats was fairly free and Ash was able to break into run to the bus stop. It was only a couple of stops to the café where they were to meet.

Ash tapped his foot against the metal floor of the bus nervously. Now he just had to wait, no efforts of his could make the bus go faster. Glancing at his watch he noticed that it was 12:03 now. He looked at his chat with Eiji again. Eiji had already waited for him for 43 minutes. Ash wanted to hit something from frustration so much right now. If somebody had made him wait for as much as half an hour without a reason serious enough as a terrorist attack, he would have first left and then murdered this person. And here Eiji was waiting for him even more because he fucking overslept. Overslept, simply ignoring his alarm. How pathetic was it? Ash felt a lump forming high in his throat and sweat running down the back of his neck.

As Ash froze thinking about his situation, he almost missed his stop and promptly had to jump off the bus, accidentally bumping into some school girl. The girl yelped and Ash threw a quick “Sumimasen!” over his shoulder as he started running again. He was almost there.

Ash stopped at the door of the café, catching his breath. He didn’t want to burst in, hitting or scaring any other people. As Ash breathed heavily his gaze fell upon a lonely figure sitting at the opposite side of a café through the glass wall. There was Eiji, a cup hanging loose in his left hand, probably empty already. With his right hand he was holding some small book and reading attentively. His frame seemed so relaxed and calm. Ash froze as he silently watched Eiji turn a page.

Once again Ash couldn’t hear anything but his own heartbeat in his ears. It was probably just the result of his a spontaneous and rough run, but Ash sucked in a breath.

“Sir?” he was forced out of his frozen state by a high-pitched voice. Ash turned his head and saw a girl that looked like a waitress. Ash didn’t notice her before but she had been standing a meter away from him all this time, ready to give menu to every new customer. She looked a bit scared, a look he had grown  used to on Japanese people since most of them didn’t know English and were terrified to have to communicate with him. He found it adorable at first, but later it started to annoy him. Just because he was white didn’t automatically mean he couldn’t say a word in Japanese.

The encounter with the waitress distracted Ash and he found himself having calmed down as he was approaching Eiji. The guy seemed oblivious - too submerged in his book. Before Ash could give himself a moment to prepare mentally he found himself sitting right in front of Eiji.

The deep brown eyes slowly started rising, climbing over his frame and Ash felt like he was being read as an open book. Eiji’s face was…

Calm.

Unamused.

Tired.

He raised his left hand and looked at his wrist.

“12:12 it says,” he said and then looked at Ash moving his eyebrow.

“Indeed,” was the only word Ash could force out of himself. He felt so dumb again. Eiji looked upset. Of course he was. Nobody liked being made to wait. If you keep a person waiting it means you don’t respect them, you don’t care for them. And this was the message he was clearly sending to Eiji with his actions. Where would he get with this attitude? Upsetting and neglecting an interesting person he would really want to get close to. Ash’s hands curled into fists.

“You clearly are a disaster of a human being I guess,” Eiji suddenly laughed. “When you said you couldn’t function in the morning, I didn’t imagine it would be this bad. What happened? You set up half a dozen alarms and unconsciously switched all of them off or what?”

“Mmhm, no, I just slept through the one I put up. I think it was just continuously ringing all that time before I managed to wake up?” Ash mumbled, still baffled by the fact that Eiji didn’t seem to be angry with him.

“Really!? Do you have such a solid sleep? For how long did it ring?” Eiji looked at him with amusement, eyes wide.

“It must have been around 50 minutes I believe,” Ash said.

“Oh my God, you sleep like a corpse! When did you go to bed yesterday? Maybe it was too late.”

“Yesterday? More like today. I finished with my business at around four, but I don’t think I fell asleep until six in the morning or something like that,” Ash scratched the nape of his head, embarrassed of his awful sleeping schedule. Eiji looked like the type of person who goes to bed at 11 pm and gets up at 7 am, following it with a morning exercise. But what could Ash do? He was a night person and his evening school routine let him indulge in all-nighters as much as he wanted.

“How do you even survive? Do you have insomnia often? It sounds serious!” Eiji exclaimed. “You couldn’t fall asleep for two hours. No wonder you had trouble waking up in the morning!” Eiji suddenly reminded Ash of Jessica. Back in the US she was the one that jumped around him like a disturbed mother hen. Always blowing his troubles out of proportions and being shocked at the descriptions of his lifestyle. She seemed to worry about him more than he ever worried about himself. He always told Jessica to get off his nuts, but deep inside he appreciated her care. Eiji reminded him of her with this sudden desire to protect him.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry. I am used to it,” Ash felt so weird, being showered with concern and worry when he had expected to be scolded. What was it even? Now that he thought about it, it was like he fished for Eiji’s care by telling about his ‘life difficulties’ and distracting him from the fact that Ash needed to be reprimanded here, not soothed.

“Do all Americans live like this?”

Ash wondered what image Eiji had about his nation if that was the type of questions he was asking.

“Of course not. We wouldn’t be the world’s number one economy if everybody had the same terrible sleeping schedule as me. We would be the nation of bats instead,” Ash laughed, imagining what New York streets would look like filled with bats instead of all those people always in a hurry. Eiji also snickered, putting a piece of cheesecake in his mouth. Ash’s gaze suddenly stilled, stuck to the crumb on Eiji’ lip. A moment later it was gone, caught by Eiji’s swift tongue and Ash was broken from his stupor only to realize he had lost his train of thought. Why was he even thinking about it? Ash was frustrated to no end.

“Then I feel the need to scold you for your self-neglect, Ash,” Eiji had pronounced his name in that Japanese manner, Asshu this time, probably forgetting to keep track of the pronunciation. But for some reason it sounded cute when it was Eiji who said this, not other Japanese people. Ash wondered if Eiji noticed what he had said. He hoped that the photographer didn’t and would slip into his Japanese manner again. Ash didn’t know why but his initial opposition to having his name altered faded away when it was Eiji who did it.

“It’s not like I can control it, you know,” Ash looked away, trying to suppress the smile appearing on his lips. It wasn’t the time to get distracted. “And it doesn’t harm my productivity in the end. If I still manage to score high in my class and do all my homework while living like a vampire than I’m fine. If I get a 9 to 5 job, _then_ I will try to do something about my insomnias or all-nighters, but generally I would rather die.”

Eiji fell silent. He looked at his hands, fingers nervously brushing against each other. Ash frowned, trying to grasp what exactly in his words made Eiji feel uneasy. The Japanese seemed to struggle with his words as he opened is mouth, almost ready to speak, and then closed it again. A few minutes of anxious silence passed before Eiji finally found a way to express his thought.

“I can see where you are coming from here, but it still bothers me. Maybe it’s not my business at all. You can shut me up if my words make you uncomfortable.” Eiji looked at him expectantly, but Ash remained silent, willig to listen whatever it was that Eiji wanted to share. “However it looks to me as if you just try to diminish your problems and joke about a lot of stuff that actually bothers you, like you are doing right now, rather than trying to solve them. That’s the impression I have got and it upsets me.” Eiji groaned and scratched the nape of his head in exasperation. “Grrhh, it seems like I am asking you about such personal things while we have only been friends for what, a week? I just cannot help but feel the need to look out for you, isn’t it stupid?” Eiji smiled with a tinge of embarrassment, looking down nervously. Ash’s palms were hot and sweaty. He needed to say something, but he wasn’t sure his voice wouldn’t betray him.

“I- I don’t understand why you are telling me this…” he said quietly and noticed shock covering Eiji’s face.

“I'm sorry, I know I shouldn’t have said this, I'm sorry-“ Eiji stared waving his hands quickly, remorse painting his expression. Ash couldn’t bear to look at it.

“And again you are doing this, it baffles me. I do you nothing good and you show me kindness. I fuck you over and you try to figure out why I'm troubled instead of being angry at me like a normal human would do.” Ash didn’t know how he forced the words out of his throat but they hardly passed through. Eiji looked at him distressed.

“Does it upset you?” His face was pale.

“More like frustrates. Why are you doing this?” He really couldn’t understand why Eiji was willing to show him so much compassion while Ash didn’t do virtually anything for him.

“I'm not sure myself. You kind of seem so… familiar. It probably sounds weird but I feel like I have known you for ages. And it makes me believe that I don’t have to put on a usual polite mask instead of saying what is on my mind. And you made me worried, that’s why I said it.”

Now that Eiji said it Ash really did understand what he meant. That feeling was mutual. For some reason it felt so easy to open up to Eiji, to talk to him or to just stay silently in each other’s presence. Of course he didn’t want to tell him about the darker stuff from his past, but merely because he didn’t find it necessary, not because he expected Eiji to judge him.

“What makes you worried? I haven’t said anything out of ordinary, my life is pretty normal. Having sleeping problems and going to bed late is nothing too rare,” Ash replied, trying to divert the conversation back to safer territory. As much as he liked the Japanese guy’s attention he really didn’t want to look like a victim. He just wished for a normal friendship where they would be equal, he hadn’t come to a therapy session.

“Maybe you are right. But it was the impression I got. It’s not just the matter of today, there were other things you mentioned before the look in your eyes itself. They made me concerned,” Eiji shrugged.

“And if I say the impression you got is wrong?” he said.

“I’ll think twice before believing you.” Of course that was Eiji’s reply.

“That’s rough,” Ash was amused with how easily Eiji was able to read him.

“Suits your behavior well.”

“Whatever. I'm fine and you are exaggerating,” Ash looked at him, a sly smile on his lips. The conversation had kicked him off his rails earlier but he was willing to keep himself together. That morning had already killed enough of his brain cells, he would prefer to get back to normal conversations and normal events in his life. Anything, really, that didn’t make him feel bad. “But I appreciate your care, it is quite cute. Haven’t had anyone paying me so much attention in a while.”

“Phooh, it looks like I am at risk of spoiling your baby ass too much,” Eiji replied jokingly, but with a slight blush covering his cheeks.

“Amazing. Keep it up,” Ash chuckled and leaned forward, leaving only half a meter of distance between their faces.

“You are getting too bold. I'm still a bit mad at you,” Eiji pouted.

“Really, you don’t look like it at all. But honestly I deserve it,” Ash chuckled. “But why just a little? Weren’t you bored waiting for me?”

“Not too much. I have been reading an interesting book while waiting for you so I didn’t notice the time pass,” Eiji took the book Ash saw before back out of his bag.

“What were you reading?” Ash looked at the cover and was surprised to see the name in English.

“It’s ‘9 Stories’ by Salinger. I wanted to read something in English and I stumbled upon this book in a local book shop. They don’t have a wide variety to choose from, so I was surprised to find something that didn’t appear boring to me.” Ash took the small book from his hands and slowly ran his fingers along the pages. The design of the cover and the internal styling of the pages left much to be desired, but in the end all that mattered was the text itself.

“It’s a good collection of stories, I’ve read it a couple of years ago, too,” Ash said.

“I’ve only managed to read the first story so far.”

“I don’t remember which one goes the first? Bananafish?”

“Yes, that’s it. Did you like it?”

“Yes, Salinger is one of my favourite writers and I liked this story in particular too.” In reality Ash didn’t remember much details from other stories from this book, ‘A perfect Day For Bananafish’ had left the biggest impression on him, while he had merely skimmed through the other ones. He wondered what Eiji would think about such a dark and uneasy book. And how much cultural differences would affect his perception of a sombre American story.

“I found it too sad and depressing to my liking. It left me feeling uneasy, so I was happy when you came and I could distract myself from the grim thoughts that occupied my brain after I read it,” Eiji shuddered a little, rubbing his palm against his arm.

“Really? I think I especially liked the sides of the story that you found unsettling. It’s amusing,” he really didn’t expect Eiji to see that story in the same way as Ash himself did, but he didn’t think their impressions would be so different too.

“Uhh, why did you like it then?” Eiji did in fact look a bit unsettled. Knowing Salinger’s talent, Ash wasn’t surprised that his writing could affect the reader so much merely through the power of text.

“I guess I just liked the hopeless mood of the story. I was pretty sad when I read it and I could kind of relate to it,” Ash didn’t want to lie to Eiji, but he chose to omit quite a bunch of details. How he read it a few months after Max took him in. How the image of a man completely broken down and unable to move forward from suffering was for Ash equal to looking in the mirror. How Jessica stopped him from shooting himself with Max’s gun, as he tried to follow the main character’s suit. Max had sold his gun after that.

“That sounds like a pretty unhappy story to relate to.”

“Oh I was just an edgy kid and always exaggerated and acted like my life was terrible,” Ash joked in response. In reality he didn’t think his attempt back then was inadequate or anything would have changed if it was successful. But whatever. Eiji didn’t need to know this.

“Oh my God, really? It looks like a thing you would do, honestly!” Eiji scoffed. “Did you wear in all black clothes and listened to those loud rock bands with screaming people?”

“Oh fuck off.”

“You said it yourself.”

Eiji looked all smug and satisfied, his lips stretched and turned into a thin line. He was cute even when he laughed at Ash. It was difficult for Ash to sit so close to him, because fighting the desire to brush his palm against Eiji’s cheek was getting harder and harder with every passing minute. Ash imagined it would be warm to the touch.

“Anyway, even if you didn’t like the mood of the story you cannot help but acknowledge the fact that it is well-written,” Ash returned to the topic of literature, anxious that if he fell silent for too long Eiji would notice his staring.

“Yes, that’s true. I was probably very much affected by it mostly because it looked so realistic and scary.”

“Why did you find it so scary, though?” Ash wouldn’t really describe ‘A Perfect day For Bananafish” as a scary story. It was more… unnerving, but it wasn’t some Stephen King novel.

“The ‘inevitable fall’ idea is just something I don’t feel like accepting. I don’t want to think about a person crumbling and being unable to pick himself up after something bad happens to him,” he said, his voice getting quieter, almost dying down. Eiji looked grim, like there suddenly appeared a shadow over his face.

“Really? I think it happens in life rather often. I don’t really understand your motivation in trying to separate yourself from such idea. Life is cruel and we read books to learn about other aspects of the world that we aren’t exactly familiar with,” Ash said but quickly regret it. Did it sound rude?

“Oh, I am more than familiar with the cruelty of the world, trust me. When I got my injury I didn’t know what to do with myself, I could no longer pursue the career path I have been striving to for the previous 8 years. But I managed to pull through. And seeing people that have also been through terrible stuff but who are unable to move forward upsets and scares me, because I was too close to becoming like this. I want to hope for the better for me and other people. So this story is too sad for me to like, although I can see how it is a good book.” Ash had already observed that usually Eiji regarded his trauma in a pretty calm and mature way. It seemed like he had already somewhat accepted it. At the same time he seemed to be embarrassed by it in a way and didn’t like attention paid to it. And now Ash could see, that it probably took Eiji a lot of work to get to the point where he was now. He’d been through this hell and got out.

It occurred to Ash that both of them had episodes in life similar to what the story by Salinger showed. But Ash stayed there while Eiji got out. It was amusing to Ash and he chuckled slightly.

“Now I see where you are coming from. That’s really an endearing way of thinking. I can respect that.”

“Thank you,” Eiji seemed to have got embarrassed by his remark and scratched his nape sheepishly. Then he added, “You know, life is just too long. It’s like walking in a forest for hours. You can’t expect to never lose your path, never run into a wild animal or never stumble upon a log over your path. Bad things will certainly happen. So you should get yourself together and move on. There are too many things that will want to break you, so if you are going to let them do it, you might as well stop walking at all. And I believe that we all have the power to move forward and I prefer to see positive things in the world rather than people breaking.”

“Doesn’t it sound a bit too cruel? Like you are judging people who are unable to move forward?” Ash was sure that it wasn’t what Eiji meant, but he wanted to figure out what Eiji did mean. Talking to him was so satisfying for Ash, he was simply pleased to debate with him and learn what the Japanese guy believed in life.

“That’s not what I meant! I don’t accuse anyone who has difficulties. I just… wish that they didn’t,” Eiji dropped his head on his arms crossed on the table.” I have been through some shit and hardly crawled out of it. Now I feel better and I want all the other people who are having a hard time to get better too. You see?” Ash’s heart skipped a beat. He wondered if this statement included him, did Eiji want Ash to feel better, too.

Well, not like he had any serious issues… just a few small things.

“…yes. I wish it was like this, too,” Ash muttered.

“So I guess all we have got to do is improving our own lives and the lives of the people we care about. Maybe like this we will make the world a better place,” Eiji shrugged.

“You are such an interesting person, Eiji. You say words that would suit some naïve child that hasn’t learnt what a cruel place our world is yet. But you actually do know, but still choose to believe in the best things,” the words of endearment slipped out of his mouth before Ash was able to stop himself. He felt his face heating up.

“I'm not sure if I should take it as a compliment or not, because you compared me to child,” Eiji laughed and looked him straight in the eyes, making Ash even more nervous.

“It’s not my problem that you resemble a kid, sorry not sorry.”

“Oh really? If a kid, then…” Eiji looked around and then raised his hand asking for the waitress to come. He asked her to bring the bill and then turned back to Ash. “My dear elder brother will pay for me in the café, right?” Eiji looked at the bill with a satisfied smile and then slipped it across the table straight to Ash. “Here!”

“What? No, I'm not gonna do that!”

“Yes, you are!” Eiji tilted his head to the side. “First of all because we are in Japan and you should respect your elders.” He lifted his right hand and extended his pointer finger. “And second, because while I was waiting for you and thinking of a way to punish you for being late I realized that I can just eat and drink whatever I want and then make you pay for it for you to deserve my forgiveness and you won’t be able to say no,” he extended his second finger, forming a V-sign.

“You… you have a point,” Ash squinted and slowly took out his wallet from the pocket of his coat. He cautiously looked at the bill and whistled. “I guess I'm eating instant noodles for dinner the whole next week,” he said, taking out the money from his wallet. “I have conflicted emotions, because I feel sorry for my money, but I know that I deserve it. And at the same time I am grateful for the entry to save my situation, but I really wish it cost me less.”

“Don’t worry, those were some tasty macaroon, sponge cake, cheese cake and two cups of coffee,” Eiji savoured the image of Ash parting with his scarce money.

“Were you really this hungry when you came here?” Ash groaned.

“Hungry for your tears, it is.”

“You are a devil,” Ash sorrowfully closed his wallet, trying to figure out how he would survive the next week. The money he earned from the photography class suddenly occurred to him and Ash brightened up. Taking it into account he probably exaggerated his complaints about his survival on instant noodles but he decided to keep it to himself in hopes that Eiji’s heart would warm up to him after this pathetic confession. “I hope they at least were delicious.”

“Oh, they were pretty good, but I didn’t really enjoy the macaroons. Not my thing,” said Eiji, getting up from the sofa. He leaned against the back of the sofa for support while standing up and picked his cane in his right hand. Ash absent-mindedly watched his movements and then suddenly met eyes with Eiji. The guy noticed his intense gaze, a crease appeared between his eyebrows and he promptly looked away embarrassed. Ash wanted to say something, to reassure Eiji that he just zoned out while looking at him, but then shut himself up. Probably Eiji just wanted to have the least amount of attention possible being paid to his injury – he wouldn’t be pleased to hear those unnecessary apologies sounding like pity.

“Where are we gonna go now?” he asked instead, also getting up and putting his coat back on.

“I don’t have too much time left, maybe half an hour or so. We could walk around the neighbourhood and chat, okay?”

“Sure,” Ash replied and followed is friend as they exited the café.

The weather was pretty nice, now that he didn’t hurry and was able to pay attention to it. They slowly walked along the quiet street, Ash a bit behind him, silence settled between them at some point. Ash didn’t think about anything in particular, he somehow felt a weird soothing sensation on his skin. Was it the chilly air, warms beams of sunshine on his skin or the presence of the new friend by his side – Ash wasn’t able to tell.

They didn’t exchange many words after that. Ash didn’t notice the time passing and soon their legs brought them to the station.

“I think I’ve gotta go. I need to be back by the time my first student comes over,” Eiji said, a warm smile on his face. Ash hoped he had enjoyed their conversation and the walk.

“Of course. I hope they all did their homework.”

“They will regret if they didn’t,” Eiji replied, a dangerous flicker in his eyes. Ash always thought that all people that worked as teachers had to have at least a bit of sadism in them. With all the power they held over kids, Ash doubted even the purest of the teachers could resist using it from time to time.

“Good luck with that.” Ash waved his hands and a warm feeling settled in his chest as he saw a smile on Eiji’s face, the guy also waving goodbye to him. Before he had a chance to stop himself, he added, “Do you want to meet again anytime soon, maybe?”

“Definitely not in the morning. I don’t trust you anymore.” Eiji threw one more slightly offended look at Ash, but it was more of a joke at this point.

“I guess I deserved it. But my classes usually end around 7 or 8 pm. Is it fine if we meet after them?” Ash asked.

“Yes, it’s okay. It’s not like I have a curfew or anything.”

“We could go to a bar, maybe?” he suggested.

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll think what we can do and text you, okay?”

“Works fine with me,” Ash replied. “See you.”

Ash waved his hand slightly when he noticed that Eiji was extending his free hand in his direction. Did he want to… shake it? Who shakes hands when they say bye.

But Ash would lie if he said that he truly cared about such a small thing when the thought of touching Eiji one more time was all over his mind. He immediately stretched his own hand in Eiji’s direction too.

He didn’t know what he expected, it was just a handshake after all, it lasted no more than five seconds. But it was nice. It wasn’t rough, how most handshakes with men he got usually were. It was pretty calm, not firm at all. More like warm and soft, but at the same time Ash wouldn’t say it was light. It just didn’t feel like a formality, Ash figured that it was more similar to being a display of affection. Not romantic, of course. But entirely friendly, he had to admit it.

Ash was staring at their clutched hands, as Eiji moved away. There was an endearing smile curled on his lips.

“Bye-bye, Ash,” Eiji’s fingers lingered on his palm for a moment more before returning back on the cane.

Eiji turned around and disappeared behind the backs of hurrying people. Ash stood motionless, completely dumbfounded. This day was way too much for his nerves, he decided and slowly got going home, his thoughts occupied with a certain Japanese guy, that wanted people to be strong and happy and that saw right through Ash, reading him like an open book.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. I wouldn't say I am entirely satisfied with my work here, but I cannot put my finger on what exactly bothers me. If you have any criticism I would really be glad to hear it. You can leave it in the comments or at my curiouscat https://curiouscat.me/savvasaam if you are shy.


	5. Chapter 5

Yut-Lung’s intense gaze peered into him as Eiji persistently tried to ignore it. He was lying on his friend’s gorgeous bed flipping through some fashion magazine he found on the bedside table. Yut-Lung was sitting on the nearby arm-chair, with his legs and arms crossed accordingly and an unimpressed look on his face.

“Don’t you want to tell me something?” he finally asked, tilting his head to the side, his silky hair slipping down from his shoulder.

“Do I?” Eiji replied, calmly staring at the photos of models in the magazine. The new fashion trends displayed there really appealed to Eiji. He figured he could buy something from this journal, the clothes seemed quite fitting his style.

“That’s not an answer in any way,” Yut-Lung frowned and, as Eiji noticed that, he immediately ducked his head back down.

“The wording of your question doesn’t really help me with grasping whatever it is that you want to hear,” he said with an even, indifferent tone.

Of course he knew. But he wasn’t going to give up so easily without teasing Yut-Lung when the world was giving him such an opportunity. It was just too much fun – annoying Yut-Lung.

“So these few new aspects of your life I have noticed in the past week are of no importance at all? And these facts definitely fail to fit into one solid picture, don’t they?” Yut-Lung’s voice was full of fake innocence.

“And if you told me what exactly these aspects of my life were, I would probably be able to answer your questions. That’s just a wild thought that occurred to me, don’t bother listening to me, of course,” Eiji teased him in a snarky town. Yut-Lung didn’t appear impressed in the slightest.

“Well, first there are these new photos on your Instagram page…”

“The ones of the frogs I saw in the pond nearby?” Eiji asked, cutting in.

“Of course, the ones with the frogs, you little shit,” Yut-Lung hissed and Eiji couldn’t help but let out a tiny bit of his repressed laughter. “I’m talking about the photos with the hot European guy.”

“Oh, them?” Eiji responds with a look of completely faked surprise. “What’s wrong with them?”

“All of a sudden your endless chain of landscapes and animals gets interrupted by a load of photos with one hot white dude that looks like a first class model.”

“So what? I told you I went to a photography class and they offered a model for us to practice on. And it just happened to be an American guy. How is it important and needs to be discussed with you directly? Or are you such a giant fan of my work that you want to congratulate me with finally taking up portraits?” Eiji notices Yut-Lung rolling his eyes.

“That’s what I thought at first, too. But then I noticed that the model himself also commented under your photos and you chatted with him for quite a while. He even tried to say something in Japanese, it was cute.”

“Yut-Lung, stop acting like you are Sherlock Holmes. I barely chatted with the model in the comment section. What do you suppose it should mean? If I were a model, I would also want to look at the photos people took of me and post them on my own account as well.”

Yut-Lung’s detective play would really be as ridiculous to Eiji as he showed it if in reality he didn’t know that his Chinese friend was right. But he went on pretending to be oblivious.

“He seemed awfully friendly with you, in my opinion,” Yut-Lung squinted and slowly repositioned himself from the armchair to his bed where he sat right next to Eiji and peered into his face intensely.

“Ashu is just friendly in general,” Eiji said, continuing to stare at the magazine.

“So you are already on first name basis with him, huh? (please imagine the huh from hit or miss bc that’s how yut-lung said it) ” Yut-Lung didn’t fail to notice his phrasing and Eiji bit his tongue.

“He is an American, you know how they are. He told me that it felt weird for him to be addressed with his surname.”

“Okay-okay, let’s assume that I have believed you. That you and this hot American dude are just acquaintances.” Yut-Lung widely gestured his arms. “Which is bullshit simply for the fact that you are a terrible liar. But I had left my strongest argument preserved for the final blow. Throughout the last hour you have spent in my flat you have checked your phone 24 times.”

Eiji wanted to say something but found himself in loss for words. He opened and closed his mouth and then turned away in embarrassment.

“As if you really counted,” he mumbled in the end.

“Oh I did,” Yut-Lung’s face was covered with a smug satisfied expression.

“I didn’t want to tell you that I got a new _friend_ ,” Eiji put a stress on the last word, “because I knew that the moment I shared this information with you, you would be weird about this. You always start to allude to me being more than friends with every peer you see me talking to.”

“Because it is funny and you get embarrassed easily.”

Eiji let out an exasperated sigh.

“Oh my God, you are terrible.”

“I know, right,” Yut-Lung replied. “But on this occasion I do seriously think that there is something going on between you two.”

Eiji felt his heart speeding up and blood flowing up to his face. Embarrassed he covered his face with the fashion magazine.

“It’s not like this, we are just friends. Ash approached me, because he didn’t know any other people here who knew both English and Japanese and who he could talk to. So there is nothing going on here. He just needs somebody to chat with, that’s all.”

“Maybe it was his original motivation, but it doesn’t have to stay like this.”

“Uhh I don’t know,” Eiji put his head on his crossed arms. “He is nice, but I cannot really read him well. I don’t want to expect anything romantic with him although I don’t think I would mind if it went in that direction, okay? But generally I think it is more likely that we are just going to stay friends.”

“Well, most guys are straight and it makes sense, but it doesn’t mean you have to abandon all your hopes of getting laid.”

“Stop with that!” Eiji yelled at him. “You know it’s not my goal at all. I just wish I had somebody to share the joy and sorrow of this life with.”

“It is so cheesy I want to throw up,” Yut-Lung showed him his tongue. “I feel like one day you will just wake up and be married to some guy, with whom you will be the most nauseating couple on the face of this planet.”

“Don’t try to mock me here. It is your problem that you are always horny, stop projecting it on me and then saying that I am a disaster virgin for not sleeping with a person I knew for a few days,” Eiji felt a bit bad for shaming his friend, but just a little bit, because firstly, Yut-Lung was too self-confident to be offended by such simple remarks, secondly, if Yut-Lung wasn’t embarrassed to bully Eiji, then Eiji wouldn’t hesitate to make fun of him as well.

“It happened just one time, stop bringing it up,” Yut-Lung hissed. “Anyway, tell me about this guy. I have only seen photos of him. What is he like? What do you do together?” He looked genuinely interested now, putting aside his previous teasing tone. In the end it was just a façade he enjoyed wearing because it was much fun, deep inside Yut-Lung was a pretty good person. Eiji wouldn’t be friends with this guy if he really was an asshole.

Eiji fumbled with the magazine nervously. He thought about the things they did with Ash that were worth mentioning, the traits of his friend’s character that stood out, that formed his personality. What was there about Ash that made Eiji want to talk to him every hour of the day and why was it so easy for them to click?

But it seemed so hard for Eiji to tell what exactly was drawing them together – Ash was just… Ash. It wasn’t like he was playing with legos that he could take apart into small pieces to judge them separately and say which part was the clicker. Ash was great being a combination of all his traits, big and small, and Eiji struggled to pinpoint which one of them would be more important.

“Well, he seems to be quite intelligent,” Eiji winced deciding to start with that one. “I checked some of his Japanese homework and he barely makes any mistakes. I would say it is very impressive. And it looks like he reads a lot, too. We have spent hours already discussing literature.”

Eiji remembered their last meeting and their discussion of the Salinger’s short story. He felt himself shivering at the thought again. The image of Ash saying that he related to that terrible story appeared in his mind once again. Ash said that it was just his teenage edgy phase, but Eiji couldn’t bring himself to believe the younger guy. The empty fake smile on his face when he said that showed that this couldn’t be the whole truth. It sounded like a cheap excuse. Something you would say to change the subject when you didn’t feel like sharing all your troubles and worries, opening up. Eiji let it pass back then, but he didn’t believe it for a second.

“So he is a nerd just like you?” Yut-Lung made a face, but Eiji knew him long enough to tell that he was just teasing.

“Oh no, he is much worse. Sometimes he starts talking about some science topic and won’t shut up for ten minutes. I am just sitting there silently, trying to comprehend how it happened that I have just been lectured on why the Great Recession occurred, when I barely asked how he spent his last Christmas.” Surprisingly he ended up actually understanding what caused it, but only after Ash drew three illustrations for Eiji on café napkins.

“Not to sound like a moron who cannot appreciate economics, but I feel like nothing would make my dick hard for the guy after he started talking to me about the Great Recession on a date.”

“It wasn’t a date!” Eiji yelped. It wasn’t, right? They just went out to chat. Friends were doing this, too. Yut-Lung and he sometimes met at cafés as well, there was nothing exclusively date-like about going out and eating together. Yut-Lung looked like he was able to see right through Eiji’s scull and read what was on his mind. Not like it was particularly tough.

“Yeah, sure,” Yut-Lung responded, not a single muscle on his face displaying belief. Eiji groaned and hid his face in his hands. “So far I only know that this American guy is a nerd and I am not impressed. Can you tell me something impressive about him?”

“Mhm,” Eiji fell quiet, thinking about what other features of Ash particularly stood out to him It suddenly occurred to him that he wasn’t sure that it was a particularly complimenting (?) trait, but it wasn’t bad in his opinion and it definitely produced a big (?) impression on Eiji. “He is very good at carrying himself?? I don’t really know how to explain it. But he always knows how to look and what to say in different situations in order to fit in and get people to respect or like him. That’s the impression I got. When I look at him I see a person who clearly reads the atmosphere well. Very well.”

Eiji remembered how they first went to a café after that class and he quickly noticed how weird he felt talking to the guy until he realized that the reason for that was the mere perfection of that American. He was just superficially handsome, both in his looks and behaviour. His smile was too perfect, the way he sat or walked or stood was similar to one of a Hollywood actor, his jokingly narcissistic manner was enchanting. Only when Eiji arrived back home he was able to put his finger on why exactly it felt weird for him – because it was a façade. Ash behaved like this on purpose but apparently did this on an instinct at this point. It didn’t seem like he really was this ideal type he apparently pretended to be (at least with people who he wasn’t close with). But Eiji didn’t see this pretence as something bad for some reason.

Later he thought about this observation more and realized that it didn’t put him off because the intention (as far as Eiji could tell, of course. He may as well be wrong about it) behind Ash’s actions seemed not in any way malicious. He didn’t put on this mask to get people to like him, so he could later profit from it somehow or could indulge in their attention. There were some people Eiji used to know that behaved exactly like this and it was easy to see through their pathetic intentions. After a few weeks since their acquaintance Eiji now could tell for sure that Ash was in no way from that breed. Eiji knew that Ash pretended to be this confident and a bit vain guy because he had no interest in showing most people what he really felt. He was an introvert that preferred to pretend to be an extravert in order to protect his inner peace from the people he cared little about.

But at this point Eiji believed that Ash had opened up to him quite a bit and put away his persona most of the time. Eiji dared to hope that Ash let him see more of his inner side than previously. And it’s only been a few weeks. He still put his mask on when he was nervous, apparently it helped him to feel more secure, but most of the time he seemed to be gradually relaxing in Eiji’s company. Well, these were just Eiji’s general speculations. It’s not like he was really good at reading people anyway.

“So I asked you to tell me something nice about him and you decided to tell me that he is a fake bitch? I am definitely amazed at your logic, Eiji,” Yut-Lung’s words pulled Eiji out of his reverie. He looked at his friend with a wide open mouth, shocked expression covering his face.

“How dare you?!” he exclaimed.

“And what are you going to do? Hit me because I insulted you crush?” Yut-Lung teased him and tried to imitate what apparently had to look like a love-struck Eiji.

“He is not my- eughhh,” Eiji let out a long pathetic groan and then looked Yut-Lung straight into his eyes. “Okay, look, Ash is very clever, handsome, cool, funny, kind-hearted and also tender and I want to protect him and hit whoever tries to harm him in the face,” Eiji bent his fingers as he counted Ash’s merits. “It is just hard for me to explain to you how great he is, I should just introduce you to each other, then you will understand.”

“Mmhm,” Yut-Lung hummed. “Are you listening to yourself when you talk? You have just used more kind words to describe him than you have spared on my since the moment we met, Eiji.”

“That’s because you are a bitch, Yut-Lung.”

“Fair enough,” Yut-Lung shrugged in agreement. “But anyway. Why do you have to deny the fact that you like him so much? I think that it is cool that you finally found somebody that you feel more than friendship towards.”

That was a good question actually. It was obvious why Eiji wouldn’t tell Yut-Lung if he liked someone this easily, because Yut-Lung was a teaser and would make vulgar remarks just to spite Eiji. But why did Eiji himself struggle so much to put the label on his relationship with his new friend. He liked Ash, frankly speaking. Ash was nice, he was _really_ beautiful, he seemed strong-willed and kind. He had a nice sense of humour and when he laughed Eiji felt himself enchanted by this image. This wasn’t something Eiji usually felt for his friends and there was no point denying it.

“Ugh, it’s complicated,” Eiji muttered. It sure was, but just stating the fact really did nothing to improve the situation. Maybe Yut-Lung was right that facing his problems was indeed a step to solving them in one way or another.

“Okay, let’s break it into pieces to help you,” Yut-Lung went full into his relationship-and-sex-guru mode. Cracking his knuckles he got to work. “Do you like this Ash guy?”

“Mhm, I think I do? I would say that I am attracted to him. I see him as more than a friend,” Eiji said a bit anxiously twisting his fingers. He remembered the photos he took of Ash, the look in his eyes when he stared right into Eiji. At that moment shivers ran down his spine, he had never before seen a person who attracted his gaze and attention like a magnet attracts metal. “Yeah, definitely.”

“Good. Now tell me what emotions he makes you feel,” Yut-Lung moved to the next point of the program.

Okay now that was going to be embarrassing. Eiji let out a muffled noise. He had to do it.

“When I am with him I feel so… validated? Like Ash really is interested in me as a person. Whenever he talks to me I can really see that he enjoys my company and my thoughts and actions. I have not felt something like this in a while.” Eiji knew he was blushing but remembering Ash’s face when he listened to Eiji made him feel so warm, he almost didn’t care if he looked dumb and cheesy. “I also often feel a giant urge to comfort and hug him. Sometimes he says some troubling stuff and I immediately feel like I need to protect him. And he definitely isn’t asking for attention, in fact he seems like he would prefer to be on his own with his struggles. But even though I have only known him for a while I feel worried for him at times and I wish I could be closer to him and show him love and support.”

Really, he had only known Ash for a few weeks, but the bond he felt seemed so strong, Eiji couldn’t imagine giving Ash up, he wanted to be there for him at all times. Maybe it was just overwhelmed with the feeling of falling for someone for the first time since high school and he was just exaggerating his emotions, but Eiji didn’t want to believe this.

“I see. Well, I hope this guy really is worth your worry. But whatever you said really suggests that you like him. That’s nice,” Yut-Lung smiled. As a person who always dated somebody he had continuously tried to find somebody for Eiji too. He always said that Eiji was too great of a guy to mess around staying single and wasting his time. And now he finally saw a potential catch for his friend. Eiji smiled shyly at this response. “Now tell me how this guy acts around you? Maybe I would be able to tell if he would like to date you based on his behavior. You are one oblivious guy who doesn’t notice shit, but I should be able to tell.”

“Of course, you, love-guru,” Eiji laughed and then quieted down. He had to think. “He jokes and teases me quite a lot I think. He seems to enjoy seeing me a bit irritated, but he doesn’t push too far, just plays with me a little. Another thing is that… he seems to hold me in high regard? That’s what I would call it. I told him about what happened to my leg and what I went through after this and he acted like he deeply respected me for that. Ash didn’t show pity towards me but he was mostly impressed. And he really likes my photography hobby, it seems. It surprised me a lot.”

“Okay. What else?” Yut-Lung nodded with a deep look on his face.

“It may be a stretch, but…” Eiji was embarrassed to say this, as it sounded a bit vain. “It appears to me that he also values his relationship with me and likes it as much as I do. The other day he overslept and came to our meeting late. When he woke up and realized that he was late he practically jumped out of his flat in five minutes and rushed to our meeting place because he didn’t want to waste any more of my time than he had already wasted. And he looked really upset and ashamed that he made me wait. He didn’t just apologize because that’s what you do in this situation, he actually felt sorry. I could tell.”

“It was the first time you and Ash met after the photography class?” Yut-Lung asked promptly.

“Yes?”

“So if we assumed this was a date…” Eiji opened his mouth in protest, but Yut-Lung shushed him, “than he would be terribly late to your first date. Ts, I just figured it was a funny thing.”

“Yeah, you are right, that would be funny.”

“I would honestly badmouth this guy for making you wait, but if you say he was _really_ sorry, I may let him be,” Yut-Lung stretched the word ‘really’ stressing it specially.

“I made him pay for all 5 dishes I ordered in the café for all the time I wasted waiting for him,” Eiji replied with a smug look on his face.

“Oh dear, that’s my boy, that’s what I have taught you. I'm proud,” Yut-Lung pulled him into a tight embrace and slapped his back a few times. “I couldn’t be happier that you actually did listen to my advice on treating men.”

“Your advice on treating men is almost always cruel, morally grey and looks like something that would get me in trouble and also make me unable look at myself in the mirror,” Yut-Lung stuck his tongue out in response to his words, “but on some rare occasions it may be useful.”

“If I wrote a book with relationship advice it would save lives,” he exclaimed.

“Yeah, sure,” Eiji nudged his friend in the shoulder and fell back on the bed. Yut-Lung lied near him, his eyes calm, the room was covered by comfortable silence. They lay like this for a few more minutes. Yut-Lung seemingly thinking about what Eiji said about his new crush. Eiji himself opened his phone checking for any new messages from Ash. He wasn’t surprised he saw nothing as Ash was in class at that time and didn’t really like to be distracted so he didn’t use his phone when he was at school. But Eiji was still a bit upset, he wished there was a new text from Ash, even if it would be some basic rumbling about noisy classmates or a boring lecture. Yut-Lung shifted, attracting his attention.

“Do you think this guy is gay or bi?” he asked the most important question. Of course. All other factors didn’t matter at all if the object of Eiji’s interest simply didn’t have the suitable sexuality. And considering statistics it was way too likely.

“I have no idea honestly,” Eiji muttered. “He doesn’t look in a way that would suggest he is definitely into men. But he also doesn’t radiate the energy of a man with whom you would be absolutely sure he is straight. I cannot tell. He doesn’t emit any sexual energy at all to be honest. He has some flirty attitude sometimes, but it is more of a game for him. When he is just being himself he doesn’t look sexually attracted to anybody, mhm. That’s just my impression of course,” Eiji looked at his friend with plea for help in his eyes. Yut-Lung rubbed his chin in frustration.

“I actually struggle to understand what you mean by this. I met people like what you have described, but Ash I saw in your photos doesn’t really fit the image I have. He is so handsome and he looks sexy there, khm.”

“He knows how to look sexy for photos, that’s the thing. But in real life he doesn’t show any of this attitude. That’s why it is difficult for me to read who he likes romantically, you see?”

“Yeah… maybe he’s asexual or something? He can still be gay like this, right?” Yut-Lung inquired.

“This can be a thing,” Eiji suddenly remembered another thing. “You know, he told me that he doesn’t like it when people touch him without permission and all of a sudden. Do you think it can have anything to do with it?”

“Yeah, this might be the case. At least you said he doesn’t look like the guy who is definitely straight.”

“He also once asked if I ever had “a girlfriend _or a boyfriend_ ”. Not just _a girlfriend_. And he looked friendly when he asked this, so he cannot be a homophobe.” Yut-Lung beamed when he said this.

“It’s great news, too! I think you can have all the chances with this guy. Maybe you should try to test the waters with him? Since you like him and all that. I really want you to find your boring cliché happiness.” Eiji huffed at his remark, but still he felt himself blushing as it occurred to him that he really could start dating Ash. It was so wild. Them, going on dates, holding hands, cuddling, kissing…

“That would be nice…” he said reluctantly.

“Come on! You will never find someone if you go on chickening out like a pussy. This dude matches all of your weird tastes, you can’t just miss this chance,” Yut-Lung nudged him in encouragement. Eiji covered his red face with his palms.

“I… I should,” quiet words slipped past his lips.

“Yes! That’s the spirit! If you need any advice on that too, you know who to ask!”

“Of course… You are the best…”

Eiji looked at the ceiling. He liked Ash, he was able to admit it to himself now. He had a crush and there was nothing bad about it. He was young and full of spirit as Yut-Lung would have said. Of course there was a chance Ash wouldn’t like him back, but Eiji realized that it was better to regret trying than to regret never trying at all. Life was too short and he wished that his life contained love.

“I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hope you liked the chapter! I would really appreciate some comments, even if they are just a few words. That would be nice)  
> You can always find me on twitter and curiouscat under the same name, I am glad to talk (I also post chapter spoilers but tsss)


	6. Chapter 6

Eiji was pacing his bedroom, nervously fumbling with his phone. He already knew what he wanted to do, but he still was unsure of whether he needed to do that or not. Eiji spent the last few days debating with himself about the course of action he now had to take with Ash. He really wanted to spend more time with Ash, but now when he admitted to himself that he liked the American, every interaction with him made Eiji stressed. He was constantly overthinking the smallest things. Every message he sent to Ash was reread half a dozen of times as Eiji struggled to not give himself out as he pounded his head against the table (Mika looked at him with much concern on her face, but didn’t ask any questions).

At the moment he was so stressed about choosing a place where he could invite his crush that it had been on his mind for the last few hours and Eiji wasn’t able to get any of his work done. He looked through his manga collection and read countless posts on forums with love advice, but it was of now use. Eiji was this close to making a vague help-seeking post on his twitter but figured that it would be too dangerous and obvious – what would happen if Ash saw it?Eiji dreaded to think about the embarrassment that would put him in.

He made a list of places where he could invite Ash, but he kept crossing variants out with a pen as different factors occurred to him one after another.One place would make Ash feel left out with his limited knowledge of Japanese. Another was deemed unfitting as it looked like something that was likely to be boring for Ash. One more was reluctantly brushed off by blushing Eiji as it looked too romantic and Eiji’s heart was not ready for it.

Eiji was growling in frustration when he was distracted from his confused feelings by a sound of a received message in Line. Ash’s name appeared on the screen and Eiji grabbed the phone hurriedly.

**[good morning, what are you doing?]**

Eiji looked at his watch – it was 14:05, and he whistled to himself. It was Sunday so Ash could afford to sleep all he wanted, but Eiji still couldn’t get his head around the fact that Ash really could unapologetically go to bed at 8 in the morning and sleep till the evening if he had nothing to do.

_[Oh nothing, really. I only have a few students in the evening, so I am just chilling for now]_

**[so you’re free? that’s neat]**

**[we haven’t met in a while. wanna hang out since you dont have anything important to do?]**

Eiji wheezed clutching the phone in his hands. Ash missed going out with him? Or was he just lonely sitting alone at his dorm? Eiji didn’t want to be too hopeful, but the thought of his crush wanting to see him _especially,_ when he was lonely filled Eiji’s heart with warmth. Yut-Lung would hit him if he saw Eiji now for sure, but being alone Eiji could indulge in acting like a 15 year old school girl in love all he wanted. And even if he was stressed he wasn’t going to let such a perfect opportunity slide.

 _[Yes, why not? (_ _￣_ _ω_ _￣_ _)]_

**[did you have any plans for today]**

_[I had no particular plans, so I thought I would go out to take some photos. But since you want to hang out, I can cancel it. It’s not important at all_ _╮_ _( ˘_ _､_ _˘ )_ _╭_ _]_

Eiji looked out of the window and frowned. Actually, the light was very good that day and it would be a pity to miss the opportunity to take some good photos. But the chance to spend time with Ash was higher in his list of priorities of course.

**[why cancel?]**

**[cant I go with you as you take pictures?]**

**[I promise I wont disturb your work]**

Oh. Eiji found himself staring at the text in surprise. He reread the messages checking if he had maybe misunderstood something. But he didn’t.

_[It really is not important at all. You shouldn’t say this just because I mentioned I planned on going out to take pictures. It was only on my list because I had nothing else to do]_

**[nah come on]**

**[it sounds like fun. I would love to just go around the neighborhood and see how you work]**

**[maybe I could even be useful]**

Jesus Christ, Eiji didn’t spend all this time choosing an interesting place to go to with Ash for them to end up doing the absolute most boring thing for the American. Eiji cringed at himself, but it didn’t look like Ash would change his mind any soon.

 _[I guess you leave me no choice_ _ヾ_ _(`_ _ヘ_ _´)_ _ﾉﾞ_ _]_

**[that’s it]**

**[where did you plan on going?]**

_[To the Ibi river. There is a bus that goes from the city center to the suburb where the scenery is pretty nice]_

The idea of Ash seeing him doing his hobby was so embarrassing. He was probably going to look lame and nerdy and Ash would regret asking to tag along with him. Eiji groaned and decided to ask Ash once again.

_[Are you sure you want to go with me?]_

**[of course]**

**[when and where do we meet?]**

Yeah, he definitely had no choice with the stubborn American.Eiji sighed and sent Ash the location of the bus station.

_[There is a bus coming off there at 3 pm. Will this do?]_

**[yup, see you there]**

Eiji put his phone down and let out a long sigh. He had little time to stress over the sudden meeting with his crush, Eiji realized suddenly. If he wanted to be at the stop by three he would had to leave the house in twenty minutes. Eiji rushed to his wardrobe looking at the clothes in panic.

It was hot outside. He had to put on something light so Ash didn’t see him all sweating. He had some light brown shorts that he usually wore in that weather, they would do, he decided. Eiji took out a checked shirt, but the moment he put it on with the shorts he realized he looked like a grandpa.

Eiji let out an incoherent noise and continued rummaging through the wardrobe.After five minutes of unsuccessful attempts Eiji accepted defeat (that meant almost all of his wardrobe made him look like a grandpa) and put on a white tanktop that looked… tolerable.

Eiji proceeded to grab his camera case and threw a spare battery and a clean SD-card inside. He always remembered to do this as a careful photographer.

After throwing one final glance at himself in the mirror Eiji took his caneand left the room. Passing through the leaving room he saw Mika that was watching some reality show on the TV.

“Going to take some photos? Where are you going today?” she asked, her eyes still glued to the screen.

“Yes. I wanted to take something summerlike near the Ibi river. Haven’t been there in a while,” Eiji replied, while putting on his sandals and a panama hat.

“Sounds nice. Show me what you’ve got when you come back,” her voice wasn’t full of interest but generally she was the only member of his family that took his hobby at least semi seriously. His parents didn’t exactly mock his photography interest, but the way they ignored it seemed a bit humiliating for Eiji.

“Okay. Bye, Mika,” he threw over his shoulder and left the house. He hoped that Mika would like the photos he wanted to take this day. And Ash, too, he thought to himself with embarrassment.

As Eiji strolled hurriedly to the bus stop where he was supposed to meet with Ash, he looked at his watch and realized he was a bit late, but decided to take it easy – even if Ash arrived on time he wouldn’t have the right to complain about Eiji running late.

Indeed, when Eiji reached their meeting point Ash was already there, leaning against a tree truck that hid him from the hot sun. It was well past noon but the air still held much of the earlier heat, Eiji felt how the warm streams entered his lungs, filling him with the energy that went all its long way from the sun to end up in the atmosphere of this planet. Eiji shivered as the sensation overwhelmed him.

Eiji stopped a few meters away from his friend. Shadows of the leaves quickly ran back and forth on the face of the young man as light wind swept through the streets rocking the branches in the air. Small patches of grey moved across the skin drawing Eiji’s gaze to them as he couldn’t bring himself to look away, like a hypnotized man. Ash had a loose T-shirt on and the cloth slightly rippled moved by the force of the breeze.The lines that separated the illuminated skin from the one protected by the shield of the shadows swayed across Ash’s arms, legs and face, reminding Eiji of the highlights that you could see at the bottom of an open swimming pool on a sunny day.

Eiji’s hands instinctively moved in the direction of the camera bag, but once his fingers touched the hard cover, he stopped.

_It feels unpleasant to be looked at like an object. Or an exhibit in museum._

Even if he wanted to take a photo of that magnificent view that would be gone in a minute, he couldn’t. That wouldn’t be right. The last thing he wanted to see was the way Ash’s body would tense, his brows furrow, eyes swiftly move to another direction, as he would take a protective position. Eiji’s hand jolted away as if he had pressed it against a burning hot stove.

Ash was out of this world handsome, but Eiji was not the type of creator that put his art before the feelings of people involved. He wouldn’t treat any of his models with cruelty, but it would hurt him especially strongly if he subjected Ash to anything that made him feel attacked.

So instead of taking a photo Eiji spent the time relishing the view in front of him.

It took a few more moments before Ash finally noticed him. He jerked slightly, froze for a second eyeing Eiji, maybe similar to the way Eiji himself did it just a minute ago. Then he promptly waved his hand, like he suddenly remembered that it was an act he was supposed to perform when noticing a friend, but it came off a bit awkward.

“Hi, Eiji,” he said with awarm smile when he came closer. “The bus is a bit late apparently, so we don’t have to wait for the next one to come.”

“Okay,” Eiji replied with relief, suddenly realizing that making Ash wait would be all fun, but missing a bus that only comes every 40 minutes wouldn’t be pleasant at all. Before he was able to add anything else, he heard the screech of the brakes and turned his head to the road. “Oh that’s ours!”

They quickly walked to their bus and sat at the back. Besides them there were only a few other people and it was very quiet. Not a sound but the monotonous rumbling of the engine. Eiji let out a long exhale savouring the moment. He enjoyed going somewhere by buses or cars.

Opening his eyes Eiji looked to the side where Ash sat near him against the window. He gasped slightly as he noticed how Ash looked straight into his face. Eiji covered his mouth with his wrist, feeling embarrassed with such attention.

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Ash said softly.

“If I recall correctly, we saw each other four days ago, Ash,”Eiji replied barely keeping down his stuttering as Ash continued peering into him intensely.

“Whatever,” Ash shrugged. “I’m glad you let me come with you to take some photos.”

“You didn’t leave me much choice,” Eiji pouted. “If you get bored, it will be solely your fault, okay?”

“Okay, okay,” he laughed and then stretched his limbs in the seat. Looking out of the window behind which the city view began being replaced by empty and peaceful neighbourhoods. “We are going out of town, right?”

“Kind of. There are rich forests there and the river is beautiful.”

“Nice. I haven’t been out of Izumo since the day I arrived here. Woah, I really haven’t been in the nature for a few months. It will be nice to breathe some fresh air for a change. Although the air even in the center of Izumo is much cleaner than any air in the US.”

‘Don’t be too quick to judge, in winter it can be pretty bad when the wind brings the polluted air from China,” Eiji hated when it happened.

“That’s a pity. So far I enjoyed living here in Izumo a lot. In terms of the whole atmosphere, the weather and people here. I feel very comfortable,” Ash hummed, eyes still glued to the small buildings that they passed by.

“But you must miss America, too, right? It’s your home after all and your family is there. I would miss my hometown if I had to leave for a whole year.”

“Actually, not at all. If I had an option to stay here and never return to New York and the USA altogether, I would take it,” a distant and somewhat bittersweet smile appeared on his face. He seemed to be recollecting his past and Eiji felt cold shivers run down his spine.

“Is it because Izumo treats you so well or because-”

_life in America was awful and you hated it?_

Eiji didn’t finish his sentence. Even if he wanted to know the motivation behind Ash’s words he at the same time was scared to learn about it. When they first talked Ash mentioned that he had an elder brother that got killed because of him. Eiji wasn’t aware of any more details and he knew better than to ask Ash questions about such a touchy subject, but he felt like it was very important. To Eiji it looked like Ash had been through some scary things and they affected his behavior in different ways. Even if they were not close, Eiji wanted to be there for Ash and support him when he needed that.

“But I would miss my adoptive family a bit. They are pretty nice people,” Ash suddenly said.

“Do you have a photo of them?” asked Eiji, glad to see Ash mentioning somebody from his past life that he seemed to like. Ash nodded, took the phone out of his pocket and proceeded to scroll his gallery for a long time.

“Oh, here it is,” Ash extended his hand to Eiji. “This photo is a few years old so everyone is a bit older now.”

Eiji took the phone and began studying the picture. He saw four people in front of a typical for America two stories house. There was a beautiful woman with long blond hair in a black dress with a somewhat annoyed expression on her face. Near her stood a man smiling in a way that suggested he was the source of the woman’s annoyance. Right in front of him there was a small boy, around four years oldwhose finger was stuck deep in his nostril and Eiji even noticed a small gap between two of his teeth.

And then there was Ash. He looked much thinner and shorter than he was now. His clothes hanged on him loosely like they were put on a hanger. Ash’s brows were furrowed and he looked displeased by the fact that he had to pose for a photo with his family. His hands were in his pockets and he was slouching.

“You look so angry, like a cat that was forcibly washed in a bath,” Eiji failed to suppress a laugh as he saw Ash roll his eyes.

“I acted like they were a nuisance but deep inside I was immensely grateful for what they did for me. This photo was taken just a few weeks after Max took me in and they all moved to Washington DC because I couldn’t stay in New York. Rented another house there,” Ash took the phone from Eiji’s hands and looked at the screen with a warm smile. “They did too much for me. I hope that soon I will be able to provide for myself so I won’t be a financial burden anymore.”

“They sound like nice people. I'm sure you are not a burden for them,” Eiji put a hand on his shoulder, a bit reluctant as it might be unpleasant for Ash. But when he noticed that Ash didn’t flinch and rather relaxed under his touch, he squeezed the flesh gently. “But I can understand you. I also felt bad to use my parents’ money. Especially since my mom was the one who had to provide for all of our household when dad got ill.”

“Sounds like shit. You are only 20,” Ash said.

“And you are only 18. Relax a bit,” Eiji rubbed his shoulderand Ash turned to face him.The bright light of his eyes startled Eiji.  He realized that being so close to Ash made his face turn hot. Scared to be caught red-handed, Eiji jumped to his feet. “Look that’s our bus stop!”

Eiji felt like a love-struck middle-schooler. Unable to look Ash in the eyes when he was so close and looked so kind and beautiful he decided that retreating was the best course of action. It wasn’t exactly the place where Eiji intended to get off, but it worked too. They had already reached the part of the route where the bus rode past the river.

Ash gave him a confused look, but followed suit obediently as Eiji jumped to his feet. They got off and found themselves at a deserted but stop. Eiji had last been around there more than five years ago but he was surprised how little the place changed.The atmosphere was the same.

The bus stop was dusty and the trash bin near it was empty. Eiji could assume that nobody really got off here as no houses could be found near that spot and the nature itself there was not cultivated at all. To one side there was a wild forest that wouldn’t be attractive to anyone but orienting fans and on the other side there lay the bare bank of the river covered by knee high grass. Nobody found that place worthy of their time. But it didn’t mean it was dull. For Eiji it was the opposite – that place possessed a unique aura and he could already feel his artistic enthusiasm on the raise as Eiji’s eyes moved from side to side searching for the best photo composition.

Eiji was so engulfed in his thoughts, that the moment Ash addressed him, he didn’t register the words at all. He swiftly turned his head to the side and froze, looking up at his friend. Awkward silence setting between them, Eiji bit his lip embarrassed.

“Excuse me, I didn’t catch what you were saying,” he said. “Could you repeat that?”

“So where do you want to go?” Ash asked out loud, reeling on his heels as he slowly looked around. Eiji was the one leading today as Ash patiently waited for his instructions, not voicing any of his own desires. And it was a common trend apparently. Whenever they met Ash always gave Eiji the right to choose what they were to do, trusting Eiji in being able to come up with a pleasurable activity. It was nice, but at the same time a bit concerning. Eiji didn’t want to drag Ash around all the time, he wanted to do what his friend enjoyed too. Eiji silently decided that next time they would definitely spend the time the way Ash wanted. The fact that their common pastime became a routine so quickly and smoothly warmed Eiji’s heart.

“I want to go to the forest first. Take some pictures of the plants and how the midday light streams through the leaves up above illuminating the ground just slightly as few beams manage to pass through the top of the trees,” Eiji voiced his photoshoot plan for today.

“I just want you to know that it sounded really funny just now,” Ash said after a long pause barely containing a laugh.

“Don’t bully me,” Eiji pouted and turned around from Ash, starting to walk alongside the road. Of course Ash caught up with him in a minute. He swung his arm around Eiji’s shoulders that nearly made Eiji fall to the ground out of surprise.

“I would never bully you, Eiji. Quite the opposite, it is always nice to see people excited about things they love, so you looked quite cute as you said that something-something-beams-of-light bullshit.”

Eiji brushed his arm of his shoulders and walked determinedly forward to the lane he noticed between the trees. The entrance into the forest was steep and Eiji looked at it with slight worry. Back when he had planned on going into the nature just as he liked to do when he was a kid he had already thought about the fact that his foot might give him trouble there. The ground in the forest had to be uneven and his foot quickly started to ache in such environment. Eiji frowned. He needed to find a good place for a photo and he wouldn’t allow himself to settle for something mediocre but he also didn’t want to let Ash see him whining after a short walk in the thin forest. That was a challenge. Eiji bit his lip.

He just had to be careful, that’s all. If he walked slowly and looked under his feet he would be able to avoid twisting his ankle in any wrong direction or putting too much pressure on it. Maybe Ash wouldn’t suspect he had any difficulty with walking if Eiji told him he walked slowly in order to look for things to take photo of.

“Do you need help with climbing up there?” Eiji realized that while spacing put he missed the moment Ash climbed on the steep plumb. He was cleaning his hands on his shorts and they were dirty from the soil.

“Yeah, I think it could be useful,” he replied after a moment of hesitation. He fixed the bag on his shoulder and observed the plumb. Ash fixed his position with an arm around a tree and stretched his free hand to Eiji. “Grab my hand, I’ll pull you up.”

The moment he took Ash’s hand he felt like a strong force took the control over his body and a moment later he found himself standing near to Ash, still grasping the other’s hand. “Wow, you are stronger than I thought,” he let out eventually looking at their connected palms. They were still standing close to each other, almost touching and Eiji swore he could feel the distinct smell of Ash’s body for a moment.

“Did you think I’m a weakling?” Ash replied with a smug smirk on his lips.

“Well. No, you just didn’t look to me as a person who cares much about sport, that’s all. I didn’t want to say that you look like weak or anything-” he stuttered.

“Ah, I see. I think physical strength runs in my family. I get quite a lot of muscles even if I don’t work out to much.”

“Really? That sounds like a great genetic characteristic!” Eiji exclaimed. He was over aware of the fact that Ash was still holding his hand as if he forgot about it. It made his face heat up and his emotions to show through his voice, but Eiji didn’t want Ash to notice their weird position and cease it. The feeling of Ash’s firm grasp was too nice, he wanted to savour it even just a bit more. “I used to have more muscles, but now that I can’t do sports much I have lost a great deal of my physical strength. In comparison to my form a few years ago I look unimpressive, but most people still consider me buff according to their standards. I got a bit used to this, but it’s quite funny to hear when I know that I have lost quite a lot of my muscle mass.”

“Somebody really calls you buff?” Ash asked. Eiji opened his mouth in shock and disbelief.

“Hey, that’s rude!” he yelped.

“Come on, I was just kidding! I mean, I haven’t see you undressed but to me you look quite fit. I think you look pretty good, that’s it. I was just kidding, don’t make that face!” Ash freed his hand and poked Eiji in the middle of his forehead. Eiji could swear that at that point his face no longer showed annoyance but mostly embarrassment. Ash had just called him attractive, it was probably not a big deal for the outspoken American, but Eiji failed to take that compliment easily. He looked away and rubbed the place Ash had touched, covering up his blush. His hand still felt warm after Ash held it and it didn’t help Eiji fight his (ill think of the noun later).

“Thanks I guess,” he muttered. “You are pretty handsome, too, if you ask me.” The compliment escaped his mouth and Eiji looked at Ash from the corner of his eye, searching for any sort of sign from his reaction – if there would be an expression of an uncomfortable surprise, disgust, a jokingly pleased laugh or perhaps the same type of awkward blush that painted Eiji’s face at that moment.

But it was none of that. Ash just gave him an open warm smile and nodded.

“Shall we go now?” he asked, looking at Eiji.

Eiji gulped down and nodded too. Talking to Ash was getting harder by the minute now that Ash was searching for some hidden undertones in every word of his crush. He let out a long groan and followed the American who had already started slowly walking deeper into the forest. The trip promised to be a long and grueling one for Eiji’s feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I struggled with that chapter. Also it was getting too long, so I decided to split it. So you are yet to see how Ash and Eiji's trip will go. If you have any guesses about what will happen, leave them in the comments. (btw i should be writing a paper on money emission rn and I have no idea how to do it. If anyone knows shit on this topic plz text me) UPD: managed to write my paper rip now i am an expect on how money is put into circulation yay


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